French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Author 



THE BLUFFERS, 

OR 

DUST IN THE EYES 

B Gome&e in Gwo Hcta 
Adapted from the Fbench 



by 

R. M. GEORGE 



Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



THE BLUFFERS, 

OR 
DUST IN THE EYES 

B GomeDE Cn Zwo Bets 

Adapted from the French 



R. M. GEORGE 



Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 



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TMPS2-009305 
©CI.D 31432 



THE BLUFFERS; 

OR DUST IN THE EYES 



CAST. 



M. Malingear Doctor 

Mme. Malingear 

Emmeline Their daughter 

Sophie Their cook 

Alexandrine Their maid 

Upholsterer Their " little seventeen " 

Footman Their neighbor's 

M. Ratinois Confectioner, retired 

Mme. Ratinois 

Frederick Their son 

Robert Their uncle 

Josephine Their maid 

Footman Their neighbor's 

Chef From Chev&t's 

A NEGRO BOY IN LIVERY 

SCENES. 

First : — Home of Malingear. On the Pare du Petit 
Bonnet-Rouge. A May morning. 

Second: — Home of Ratinois, near the Pare de la 
Tulipe-Noire. A June evening. 

Costumes. — (Those not specified are conventional.) 

3 



4 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

M. Malingear. Pompous man of middle age, 
grey hair combed back, ruddy cheeks, comfortable 
paunch, In first act, cutaway coat, white or fancy 
waistcoat, full striped trousers, light grey spats, cane, 
gloves, derby hat. He carries a medicine chest. 
Second act, same with black frock coat very full- 
skirted, high hat, gold-headed cane. 

Mme. Malingear. First act, comfortable morn- 
ing dress, garden hat. Second act, evening dress, 
strikingly trimmed with gold. 

M. Ratinois. First act, cutaway coat, light waist- 
coat, striped or checked trousers, spats, high hat or 
derby, light grey, dark tie (first entrance) large white 
tie (second entrance) . Second act, long brown house- 
coat, small brown skull cap with tassel; changes to 
frock coat. 

Mme. Ratinois. First act, smart street costume, 
reticule, lorgnette. Second act, pretty house gown; 
changes to evening gown with train, over-trimmed 
with striking colors. 

Robert. Corduroy coat with belt, black leather 
leggings, long military cape with brilliant lining, 
wide black soft hat, all old but comfortable. Tor- 
toise-shell spectacles with heavy rims. 



THE BLUFFERS; 

OR DUST IN THE EYES 



ACT I. 



Scene : — Malingear's home, living room. Entrance 
front — R. leads to kitchen and bach of house; 
entrance L. opens into waiting room and leads to 
street; entrance u. R., a latticed door leading into 
garden and showing vine-covered trellis in sun- 
light without. The room is furnished simply. 
u. L., piano with a landscape in oils over or near 
it. Small saving table down right. Extreme 
front right, desk with doctor's diploma hanging 
over it. The curtain rises on an empty stage. 
A bird is singing in the sun-lighted trellis seen 
through the lattice door, u. R. 

(Enter Madame Malingear, a pretty woman of near 
forty, from the kitchen, R. She comes in 
quickly, crosses to lattice door and throws it 
open. The bird stops singing. Mme. Mal- 
ingear goes to piano, takes her work-bag and 
crosses toward sewing table, near c. Her actions 
indicate that she is a positive woman and that 
she has just settled a little matter in the kitchen. 
She pauses at the sound of a rattle of dishes of 
stage, then sits and begins sewing, right of 
table.) 

(Enter Sophie, a very independent cook and general 

5 



6 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

servant. She comes in R., stumps across bach of 
Mme. Malingear and takes her position left of 
table before speaking.) 

Sophie. Then I'll not get the fish, madame? 

Madame M. (evidently weary of this discussion) 
No — I'm sure the doctor has no money to spend for 
extras. And be sure the round steak is nice and 
tender. 

Sophie. And for vegetables? (tauntingly) 
Spring peas are in market now. 

Madame M. (trying to face her down) You ought 
to know by this time that such early ones have no 
taste. Get a cabbage for stuffing. 

Sophie. Just like last week — (sneering) 

Madame M. (doggedly) Yes 

Sophie. And the week before 



Madame M. Sophie! (after an eloquent pause) 
When you come back from market, bring me your 
account book. I'll check it up. 

Sophie, (flippantly) All right, madame. (Exit 

E.) 

(Enter Malingear, l. He is carrying a little 
medicine chest which he places on the desk at 
extreme front R., crossing quickly.) 

Malingear. Hello, there ! Don't get up, wifey — 
it's only me. 

Madame M. (surprised) Well, I didn't hear you 
go out? Where have you been. 

Malingear. (in grandiose manner) 0, I've just 
been out seeing my patients. 

Madame M. (scoffing) Your patients ! Don't try 
to tell me. The only patients you have are the 
people who get hurt in front of your own door and 
can't get away from you. Patients? You! The 
idea! 

Malingear. (sitting down triumphantly) Don't 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 7 

believe me, do you? Well, this morning about six 
o'clock some one came for me. I was here — they 
called — I went. I have a patient. 

Madam M. He must be a foreigner. 

Malingear. No. He's a Frenchman. 

Madam M. Well, this is the first time in two years 
that anyone has thought of disturbing you. 

Malingear. (proudly, rising and strutting across 
stage) Hem! I'm getting started. 

(Sophie enters R., bonnet and sliaivl on, carrying 
market basket. She crosses after Malingear 
and goes out L. with her nose in the air.) 

Madame M. (scornfully) Getting started? 
Well, at fifty-four, it's high time you were. Now, 
you listen to me. It's diplomacy you need. You 
have the most ludicrous conception of your profes- 
sion 

Malingear. (taking a step toward her) What! 

Madame M. Whenever, by chance, heaven sends 
you a patient, you begin by reassuring him. You tell 
him : " It's nothing at all. It's only a matter of a 
few days." 

(He crosses slowly, rubbing his chin; then suddenly 
confronts her as though about to settle her argu- 
ment, but ends in a weak sputter. This indi- 
cates his manner throughout the play.) 

Malingear. (sputtering) Why should I frighten 
him. 

Madame M. If you do it your way, it always seems 
that you have cured only a trifle — a chilblain. I 
know how some of your colleagues do — real doctors. 
(he sits abruptly) When they approach a patient, 
they don't just say : " It's merely a matter of two 
days ! " They immediately tell him : " This will be 
long (imitating grave manner) very long" — and 



8 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

then they proceed to call in some one else in consul- 
tation. 

Malingeae. What do they gain by that ? 

Madame M. It is a courtesy which the colleague 
is eager to return the next week — and that is the 
way to start a practice. 

Malingear. (rising) Not for mine, (crosses l.) 

Madame M. You with your good nature have lost 
all your patients little by little. There was only one 
left to you — the last — a fine man 

Malingear. (ruminating) Ah! Monsieur 
Dubourg — our neighbor, yes. 

Madame M. He had swallowed a needle without 
suspecting it. You treated him for two weeks — very 
good — That was progress. But one fine day you had 
the foolishness to say to him : " My dear Monsieur 
Dubourg, I don't understand your sickness at all." 

Malingear. (first angrily, then helplessly sput- 
tering) Well — and when one does not under- 
stand 

Madame M. (in confidential manner, leaning 
forward) When one does not understand, one says: 
" It's appendicitis." Oh, if only I were a doctor. 

Malingear. (crossing r., bach of her, and putting 
up hat and gloves) What a quack you would be ! 

Madame M. (sighing) Happily Providence has 
given us twenty-two thousand francs' income from my 
dowry and we don't have to depend upon your prac- 
tice for our daily bread. — But what did you say was 
the name of this person who came for you this 
morning ? 

Malingear. (a little embarrassed) It was — it 
was a young man 

Madame M. Belonging to a good family ? 

Malingear. Yes — (hesitating) he belongs to a 
good family. 

(Alexandrine enters l., three letters on tray.) 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 9 

Alexandrine. Good morning madame; good- 
day, Monsieur. The morning letters, Monsieur. 
Madame M. I'll take them. 

(Alexandrine exchanges glances with the Doctor. 
Then gives letters to Madame M, and qoes out 
L.) 

Malingear. (timidly) I thought, perhaps — 
perhaps there was 

Madame M. Yes, there is — (with meaning) And 
there's money in it. 

Malingear. Oh, no, no 

Madame M. Money, I say. Malingear — You have 
been borrowing money. 

Malingear. dear no — no, love — here, take 
it — it's the four thousand francs, (while protesting 
that there -is no money he opens the envelope and 
takes out the notes) 

Madame M. And for what? 

Malingear. Did you not have the parlor furniture 
done over ? Did I not say, " That is very nice." 
But the upholsterer is going to come to collect his 
bill to-day. (she takes the money, puts it in the 
drawer and then turns facing him) Now love 

Madame M. This patient — who is he. (she rises 
and faces him) 

Malingear. (crossing from corner front r. to 
position up) How curious . you are! He is a 
coachman 



Madame M. (mi disgust) A coachman? 

Malingear. But he belongs to a good family — 
he was kicked by a horse. 

Madame M. Kicked by a horse! O-oh! 

Malingear. It was a carriage horse, my love. 

Madame M. A coachman ! Congratulations ! To- 
morrow they will want you for the horse. 

Malingear. Hm ! Joke as much as you like. I 



10 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

am mighty glad I took care of the poor fellow ; while 
talking to him I learned something. 

Madame M. What, (seeing from his manner 
what it is) What sort of thing. 

Malingear. People are gossiping about us. 

Madame M. About us? (crosses quickly to him) 
What could they say? 

Malingear. Kot about us, (pause — Impatience 
on part of wife) but about this young man who 
comes to practice music every day with our daughter. 

Madame M. (surprised, looking about) Monsieur 
Frederick? — whom we met last summer at the sea 
shore ? 

Malingear. They say he is a suitor for our daugh- 
ter Emmeline. Last evening in the janitor's quarters 
they even fixed the date of the marriage. 

Madame M. Ah! Dear me! (worried) 

Malingear. You see sometimes it's good policy 
to doctor coachmen. 

Madame M. What can we do? 

Malingear. We must cut to the bottom, (ivith 
determination. Striking full armed into hand), of it. 
Certainly Frederick is very nice, very affable — and 
all that 

Madame M. He is charming? (positively) 

Malingear. And it's very decent of him to come 
and tickle our piano keys seven times a week. But 
he must explain himself, (hands snap) It is time, 
— high time! Brrr! (business with coat collar) 

Madame M. What? 

Malingear. Emmeline is sad — she doesn't eat 
enough now-a-days. 

Madame M. I wonder if I ought to get the doc- 
tor, (pondering r.) 

(Business with chain.) 
Malingear. The doctor? Well, I like that! 
What about me ? 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 11 

Madame M. Ah, yes! That's right, (aside) 

He's hopeless A doctor should never practice on 

his own family 

Malingear. Yesterday while Monsieur was sing- 
ing a duet with her, I (following r.) intercepted 
some looks — v-e-r-y loving! 

Madame M. (sitting down and smoothing out her 
dress with air of satisfaction by deslc r.) I admit 
I have thought of him for Emmeline. 

Malingear. How funny — same here. This young 
man pleases me very much and if he is of a good 
family (across table, knee on chair R. c.) 

Madame M. But he doesn't announce his inten- 
tions. 

Malingear. (crosses and poses l. of c.) Be tran- 
quil! (looking at watch) It's time for him now. 
If you watch — You will see him coming soon with his 
little music roll under his arm. (perceiving Freder- 
ick) There he is ! 

(Business of playing on piano keys.) 

(Enter Frederick center with music roll under 
arm.) 

Frederick. ( bowing ) Madame. — Monsieur 
Malingear. (Frederick c.) 

Malingear. (bowing) Monsieur Frederick. 

Frederick. Howidp you do, this morning? 

Madame M. Very well, thank you. 

Malingear. Couldn't be better. 

Madame M. (low) Speak to him. 

Malingear. (low to his wife — sitting on table 
c.) Yes, as soon as I get a good chance. 

Frederick. I don't see Mademoiselle Emmeline. 
Can she be ill? 

Malingear. No — but 

Frederick, (opening music roll, at piano l. put- 
ting up hat and cane) I have brought her a new 



12 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

ballad — a charming title 1 — "The Last Farewell 
Kiss." 

Madame M. (coughing) Hum. 

Malingeab. (to his wife) Yes. (aloud) Mon- 
sieur Frederick, you are a fine young man, and you 
won't object to what we ask, — my wife and I — a five 
minutes' interview? (c. lie crosses and takes small 
chair from wall l., setting it out U. L. c.) 

Frederick. With mc ! (at a sign from Malin- 
gear he sits down) 

Malingear. Monsieur Frederick, you have too 
much good sense to not understand that your constant 
visits at a house 

Emmeline. (entering from the right. She is a 
sweet Utile girl with high voice) Good morning, 
Papa! 

Malingear. (loiv) Sh — my daughter. 

(Frederick rises.) 

Madame M. (she turns still seated) Weren't 
you saying, Monsieur, that this ballad was all the 
rage ? 

Malingear. Who is the composer? 

Frederick, (unrolling the piece) It's by a 
Swede. 

Emmeline. Oh, — What's the name of it. 

Frederick, (showing it) "The Last Farewell 
Kiss." 

(Business — all together at c. Each one takes the 
music in turn, from his neighbor to the left. It 
passes down the line quickly from Frederick to 
Madame Malingear who throws it on chair 
right. Emmeline is alone now at c.) 
Malingear. (quickly taking it from Frederick he 

goes up) Of a mother 

Madame M. (the same) to her son leaving for 
the war. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 13 

Emmeline. (c.) Oh! what a long title? 

Madame M. Emmeline, {pause — Emmeline is 
tivo steps nearer door c.) I have left my thread on 
the table in the sewing room, — go get it for me, 
Emmeline ! 

(Emmeline pauses to look at Frederick.) 
Emmeline. Yes, mother, (she leaves l.) 
(Frederick sits down again.) 

Malingear. (to Frederick — coming down 
abruptly) I was telling you that your constant visits 
to a house where theTe is a young daughter may seem 
strange to certain people. — And just this morning one 
of my patients a — a 

Madame M. (quickly) A banker. 

Frederick, (high note, offended) But, Mon- 
sieur, I am sure my conduct has always been 

Malingear, Perfect — I know it — But you know 
the world is quick to misinterpret 

Emmeline. (re-entering) Here's your thread, 
mother, (she drops it over her mother's shoulder 
into her lap, and is about to sit down when she dis- 
covers the music. Before she can read the title her 
mother gets it from her.) 

(Frederick rises, Malingear takes music, puts 
under arm.) 

Malingear. (changing his tone) That's a very 
pretty subject for a ballad — this mother kissing her 
son — whom she may never see again — good bye. 

They walk up, Malingear engaging him.) 

Madame M. It's beautiful. 

Malingear. (c. — Frederick l.) Pretty enough 
to be painted, (engages Frederick l.) 

Madame M. Emmeline, I have broken my em- 
broidery needle, see if you can find me another. 



14 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Emmeline. Yes, mother, (aside) That's twice 
she's sent me away, (her father looks over his shoul- 
der at her) Oh ! there must be something up. (she 
disappears R. Frederick sits down) 

Malingear. I was saying to you that the world is 
quick to misinterpret, (stopping business of " kissing 
boy farewell" and throwing music on piano) the 
most natural acts, the most innocent — but it is 
the duty of a father to have these vague rumors cut 
short by a clear frank explanation, (crosses c.) 

Madame M. (loiv to Malingear) Fine! 

Malingear. We expect only a straightforward 
answer from you. (sits on table) 

Frederick, (rising) Let me thank you, first of 
all, Monsieur Malingear for having placed the matter 
on grounds which uncertainty alone prevented me 
from entering. I feel no embarrassment now in tell- 
ing you that I love Mile. Emmeline, and that the 
happiest of my dreams would be to win her hand. 

Madame M. (aside) I suspicioned it. 

Malingear. (rising relieved) Well, that's clear ! 
May I ask a few questions, now? 

(Crosses R. and sits in chair.) 

Frederick. About my family? About my pro- 
fession? Quite willingly. I am a lawyer, (left of 
c table, sits positively) 

Malingear. (astonished) Eh! What! Excuse 
my astonishment but during the two months it has 
been my pleasure to know you, you have always been 
beating my piano. 

Frederick. I'm a lawyer, all right. 

Malingear. Practising ? 

Frederick. No — but I'm beginning. I have few 
clients as yet. 

Malingear. (sympathetically, extending hand 
along table and patting boy's hand) I can under- 
stand that. I think none the worse of you for it. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 15 

(Mme. Malingear examines music on piano.) 

Frederick. As for the rest, my position is inde- 
pendent. My father, a former merchant, has retired 
from business with a comfortable fortune. — I am 
an only son. 

Madame M. (aside, satisfied. Clasping her hands 
u. R. looking for Emmeline) Ah! 

Frederick, (rising) The fact is I have not 
thought it right to hide from my parents the love 
I have for Mile. Emmeline, and I hope that before 
long my father and mother will make you a visit 
which will put a stop to all misinterpretations. 
(crosses l. as Mme. Malingear comes down toward 
her husband) 

Madame M. (loiv to husband) He speaks so con- 
vincingly, (she sits at his right) 

Malingear. (to wife r.) He's a lawyer, (to 
Frederick l.) Monsieur Frederick, Madame Malin- 
gear and I shall look forward with very great pleas- 
ure to the visit of which you speak. 

Frederick. Ah ! Monsieur. 

Malingear. (repelling him) But, till then, we 
must ask you as a favor to suspend your visits. 
(passes him and quickly brings hat and cane) 

Frederick, (astonished) What! (appeals to 
both — first M. then Mme.) 

Madame M. (rising) For appearances, Mon- 
sieur Frederick, for appearances ! 

Malingear. (claps hat on Frederick's head) You 
will return in a few days — officially — Wait a minute, 
here is your music, (hands him music roll which he 
has put on piano) 

Frederick. Very well, since you demand it. But 
what shall I do in the meantime ? 

Malingear. Look around the law courts a little. 
That will distract you. 

Frederick. Oh ! not the courts ! Oh, I don't 



16 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

know what I shall do. (down by footlights waving 
coat tails l. or to M. R. c.) 

Malingear. (aside) What if he should become 
district attorney! Wouldn't it be fine to be the 
father-in-law of the district attorney ! 

Frederick, (c. — Then advancing toward Mal- 
ingear in leaving) Please tell Mile. Emmeline 
that — (shouting) I love her, I adore her — I live for 
her alone and while there is breath is my body, I 

Malingear. (hastily, accompanying him to door 
L., although he had started him up) Yes ! — Yes 1 
Not so loud, (they leave L.) 

(Emmeline half in r.) 

Madame M. He is a fine young man. (looking 

QffL.) 

Emmeline. (entering r.) Oh, yes, indeed he is 
a fine young man, and I'm certain to be happy with 
him. 

Madame M. (astonished) What ! What are you 
saying there? how do you know? 

Emmeline. (confused — coming down) I over- 
heard a little. I really didn't mean to, mother. 
When I was looking for your needle which had 
dropped near the door 

Madam M. Looking for my needle ! Don't you 
know it's wicked to listen at keyholes ? 

Emmeline. Oh, please don't scold me ! I will tell 
you a secret, (they walk together to chair) 

Madame M. (pleased but suspicious) A secret? 

Emmeline. Yesterday when you left the room to 
scold Sophie for breaking that cut glass dish, 
Frederick told me his mother was going to come here 
to-day. 

Madame M. (excited) To-day? 

Emmeline. Yes, she's going to pretend she has 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 17 

come to talk about the 4th floor apartment. She 
wants to see us before they make the demand. 

Madame M. (matter of fact tone) Thank good- 
ness the parlor s done ! 

Emmeline. And the Father, Monsieur Ratinois 
is going to come to consult Papa. 

Madame M. (suspicious) Is he sick? 

Emmeline. No indeed! Just a pretext to meet 
us. Now don't you tell — not a soul. It's a secret. 
(goes to looking glass R., humming lightly) 

Madame M. Don't worry. 

Malingear. (entering l.) Charming fellow! 
Lots in him ! 

Madame M. (low to husband) Malingear. 
(crosses to him l. they come r. together with exag- 
gerated air of consultation) 

Malingear. What ? 

Madame M. (low) Don't repeat this — It's a 
secret. Madame Ratinois is coming this morning 
under the pretext of talking about the 4th floor apart- 
ment. 

Malingear. The dev — ! I mean the deuce! 

Madam M. That's better ! Her husband is coming 
too — to consult you. 

Malingear. Hm! Then it's the interview. 
(attitude — hands in pockets) 

Madame M. They want to know us before going 
further. It's quite natural. 

Alexandrine, (entering l. Madame, there is a 
lady who wishes to speak to you about the 4th floor 
apartment. 

(All are front r. They turn with exaggerated ana- 
mination.) 

Madame M. It's she ! "1 

Malingear. It's her ! V (They scatter.) 

Emmeline. Oh, joy! J 



18 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 
(Alexandrine starts out.) 

Madame M. (excitedly) Wait! (to Alexan- 
drine) Quick ! my hat with the flowers ! My even- 
ing hat ! 

Alexandrine. One second ! ( disappears a., walks 
lopsided) 

Madame M. (to Emmeline) Take off that apron. 
Heavens ! how sloppy your hair looks. I'm going to 
do it over for you. 

Malingear. (aside, astonished, l.) What the 
devil's gotten into her. 

Alexandrine, (entering. Business of catching 
a moth miller) Here's the hat. 

Madame M. (sitting) Put it on me. You see 
how busy I am. (Alexandrine puts hat on mistress' 
head while she fixes her daughter's hair, who is on her 
knees before her. To Alexandrine) Further 
back. 

Madame M. (to Malingear) Malingear, a pin! 

Emmeline. (shaking her hands) Papa, a pin! 

Madame M. Hurry up. 

Malingear. (takes pin from lapel of coat and 
brings it over) There. 

Madame M. (finished) There! Bring her in. 
(Alexandrine leaves R. Low to husband) Mind 
now, don't use any slang before this lady. 

Malingear. Why ? 

Madame M. (disguste d) Oh! It's common, — it's 
vulgar! (to her daughter) Emmeline, go to the 
piano, head back and sing some runs, (goes with her 
to piano) 

Emmeline. (at piano) Some runs? 

Madame M. Go ahead! 

(Emmeline sings runs. Madame M. composes her- 
self in armchair — embroidery in her hand. 
Steps heard outside and Madame Ratinois 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 19 

enters l. First begins to pull off gloves with 
elaborate laziness. Alexandrine brings her in 
and goes out l.) 

Madame M. (smoothly to Emmeline) Enough, 
my child, we have a visitor, (she rises) 

Madame R. I beg a thousand pardons. I fear I 
have come at an inconvenient time. Is it to Monsieur 
— the Doctor Malingear that I have the honor of 
speaking ? 

Malingear. (bowing. Goes up) Yes, Madame. 

Madame R. I have come to look at the 4th floor 
apartment. 

Madame M. Be so good as to have a chair, (c. 
Takes off her hat and lays it with elaborate care under 
Mme. R's nose) 

Madame R. (she and Madame M. and Mme. R. 
— center) You are too kind, Madame. I'm afraid 
I've come at a bad time. I have interrupted Made- 
moiselle, (turning) 

Emmeline. (deprecatingly) Oh! Madame! 

Madame R. (to Madame M.) Mademoiselle is 
your daughter? 

Madame M. Yes, Madame. 

Madame R. (aside) Frederick was right. She is 
very nice looking, (sits down) I see Mademoiselle 
is a musician. 

Madame M. A pupil of Caruso's. 

Malingear. (astonished) Hein! 

Madame R. Ah ! Caruso is her teacher ? 

Madame M. We are just waiting for him. — Wait- 
ing, only waiting. 

Malingear. (to wife) Waiting, only — wai — say, 
what tune's this you're singing ? 

Madame M. (quickly) A piece from Carmen. 
(to Madame R.) My husband asked my daughter 
what she was singing. It's a piece from Carmen. 



20 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

(she motions to Malingeae, who sits down at l. He 
crosses l. and sits) 

Madame R. (aside) This house is on an expensive 
scale. It's much better than ours. 

Madame M. I believe in having only the best 
masters. So when Emmeline commenced paint- 
ing- 



Madame R. (to Malingeae) Ah! Mademoiselle 
paints also? 

Malingeae. (embarrassed) Yes. — So it seems. 
Oh! ask my wife, (rises and goes up) 

Madame M. (showing a picture hung on the wall 
E. ) What do you think of this little landscape ? 

Madame R. (rising) An oil painting ! 

Madame M. (rising) She amuses herself daubing 
at things like that. 

Malingeae. (aside) Now, isn't that just a little 
bit too much ! 

Emmeline (aside) How in the world did mother 
get these ideas into her head! (rises and crosses 
toward father u. e.) 

Madame R. (examining picture) So life-like! so 
fresh ! You'd think this had been done by a master ! 

Malingeae. (aside) Well, I guess yes ! That's a 
Lambinet and only cost me two thousand francs ! 

Madame R. Very beautiful, very finely educated ! 
And the apartment — is it empty? (they sit down, 
Mme. R. l., Mme. M. it. e.) 

Madame M. It will be rented by the quarter. 
Monsieur Malingear will have it decorated, (to her 
husband) Isn't that your plan, my dear? 

Malingeae. (angrily) The idea!! (suddenly re- 
membering and calming self) The idea which the 
architect submitted is a good one and I shall carry it 
out. (crosses toward Mme. R. Pidls c. chair further 
bach) 

Madame M. Don't forget that small drawing 
room. It's in pretty bad condition. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 21 

Malingear. You shall choose the furnishings 
yourself, (to Mme. E. Then passes Emmeline, 
motions her wamingly with finger) 

Emmeline. {astonished, aside) You, too! Are 
father and mother both mad? 

Madame R. And what will the rent be ? 

Malingear. Four thousand francs, (u. R.) 

Alexandrine, {entering L., very astonished) 
Monsieur ! why — why there's a gentleman here to see 
you and he's a patient, too. {aside) Oh, Pm so 
excited ! 

Malingear, Madame M. and Emmeline. Aside. 
They take a step toward each other) The Father. 
{they rise. Madame R., snspicous, goes up, then 
returns c. and sits down) 

Madame M. (recovering herself) A patient! 
Well, what's there so extraordinary about that ? 

Alexandrine. Holy Gee! it's the first time 

Madame M. (quickly) That this gentleman has 
been here? (she sits down with deliberation) Very 
good, but let him wait his turn. He can't get in 
ahead of the people who are waiting, (writing on 
paper at desk and giving it to Alexandrine) Give 
him this number — number sixteen. (Alexandrine 
leaves. Madame R. looks satisfied. Sits a little back 
of Mme. M., who rattles on) 

Malingear. (aside, proudly) Hasn't that wife of 
mine the brains, though? (u. R. then front L., fuss- 
ing intentionally with watch chain) 

Madame R. What a practice! 

Madame M. My husband hasn't a minute to him- 
self. In the morning he has his operations at the 
hospital, — he returns at noon. He almost always 
eats standing — Then the office hours begin and that 
keeps him busy till three o'clock 

Malingear. But, my dear wife- 



Madame M. (interrupting) I tell you, you will 



22 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

kill yourself ! After that come the calls to the four 
corners of Paris.— Finally, in the evening he returns, 
tired, worn out — Do you think he rests himself? 
Not he! He writes away at his great work which 
will be read at the open meeting of the Academy of 
Medicine. They are awaiting it. 

Malingear. (protesting) But, my wife 

Madame M. (quickly) Let them wait for it! My 
dear, you are not at the orders of these gentlemen. 
(confidentially to Madame R.) It's a paper on the 
thoracical affections. Magnificent subject. 

Malingear. (aside) She should have married 
a painless dentist — not me! 

Madame R. (to Malingear) What a life! and 
don't you take any recreation? 

Malingear. (uncomfortably. Still standing up) 
Oh, my wife exaggerates. 

Madame M. (breaking in on him) Twice a week 
— in the winter — we give a tea to our friends. 

Malingear. (aside) Fine! (crosses front R.) 
Dinner parties and theater parties next! 

Madame M. Tuesdays and Saturdays we have 
music. We receive the principal artists in Paris. 
My husband looks out for their health — free of charge 
— You understand? 

Madame R. What ! for nothing ! 

Madame M. (apologetically) Oh — artists. But 
these gentlemen regard it a pleasure — I may even say 
a duty to frequent my drawing room. Really, they 
are very nice people, very nice ! 

Malingear. (aside, disgusted) Oh. Fiddle-dee- 
dee! 

Emmeline. 
Mme. E. 
Mme. M. 

Malingear. 
Madame M. I certainly hope, madame, that if 



THE BLUFEERS J OR DUST IN THE EYES 23 

you locate here, you will do us the honor of being 
present at our little parties. 

Malingear. (aside) She's inviting her! 

Madame R. (rising) What! Madame. You are 
a thousand times too kind, (turns about with 
lorgnette) 

Madame M. You are leaving, madame? 

Madame R. Yes, but I hope to return soon! 
I should be very happy, believe me, to have regular 
intercourse — more intimate — with a family as dis- 
tinguished, as respectable, — as yours, (u. r.) 

Madame M. (bowing) Madame, (calling r.) 
Baptiste ! Baptiste ! 

Malingear. (aside) Baptiste? Who the deuce is 
Baptiste ? 

Madame M. (to husband) Have you sent the 
valet on .an errand? 

Malingear. (astonished) The valet ! Me ! No ! 
(aside) We never even had a male servant, (front 
l. — then u. l.) 

Madame M. These people are never around when 
one wants them. (calling) Alexandrine! Alex- 
andrine! (to Madame r.) I beg a thousand 
pardons, madame. (Alexandrine appears l.) 
Escort madame to the door. 

Madame R. (crossing from u. r.) Madame, — 
Monsieur, — Mademoiselle, (ceremonious exit u. l. 
Malingear bowing profusely u. l.) 

Malingear. Thank goodness she's gone at last! 
(comes up stage) 

Emmeline. But mother, — why — what — explain 
— all this 

Madame M. Now, you can put on your apron 
a<rain and finish your sewing. Go, my child. (Mme. 
sits down again front r.) 

Emmeline. Yes, mother. But I never made an 
oil painting in my life ! (leaves R.) 



24 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Malingear. Ah! come now! I haven't any sew- 
ing to -finish so I hope you will explain 

Madame M. What do yon mean ? 

Malingear. Why these — why all this batch of 
lies? Why in heaven did you tell this lady that 
Caruso was your daughter's teacher? Why we've 
never even seen him! (sits c.) 

Madame M. Should we announce her then as a 
pupil of Monsieur Dumb-brute-sky? The illustrious 
Professor Know-nothing ? 

Malingear. You didn't need to name her profes- 
sor. That's like this picture that you said Emmeline 
painted. 

Madame M. Well, what of it? 

Malingear. But it's a Lambinet! 

Madame M. It isn't signed, though. 

Malingear. Oh ! that's a fine reason ! And pray 
what will Emmeline say when after a few months of 
married life someone says to her " Make me a pretty 
landscape like that one over there — with cows in 
it?" What will she reply? (drawing cow with cane 
in the air) 

Madame M. That's quite simple. As a rule, from 
the time young girls get married they neglect the 
fine arts. Emmeline will say that the colors irritate 
her and she will renounce painting. That's all. 

Malingear. That's all! And me! How about 
my great work on the " Thoracical Affections ? " 

Madame M. Oh you can say that it's at the 
printers — And that the first printing shop which 
burns down is 

Malingear. And this immense practice which you 
have so kindly donated me? 

Madame M. (sarcastically) I was wrong. The 
first time this lady calls on us, I will reveal things 
in their true light. I will say : " Madame, I present 
to you monsieur the doctor Malingear — a dry fruit 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 25 

of the Medical School. He only treats coachmen 
free of charge! Mile. Malingear — she knows her 
three R's. Madame Malingear — who makes her own 
dresses and tenderly patches her husband's trousers! 

Malingear. It's no use to enter into these details 
and still more useless to string off all these lies. Do 
you want me to tell you what I call this conduct? 
(important) It's pride ! It's vanity ! Tou want to 
throw dust in their eyes ! 

Madame M. (resignedly) It's true. I agree with 
you. 

Malingear. (triumphant) Ah — ha! (change of 
attitude. He thinks he has her at disadvantage. 
She becomes persuasive. He gradually shows con- 
viction) 

Madame M. But I'm only doing what everybody 
else does. We all spend our lives throwing little 
pinches of dust in our neighbors' eyes. Else why do 
we dress up so finely? Why do people have dia- 
monds, carriages, liveried servants ? For other people 
to look at! 

Malingear. (expostulating) Oh, come now! — 
You can't put me there, anyway. 

Madame M. I can't, can't I ? You obey this gen- 
eral rule without suspecting it. (Malingear is 
playing with his watch-chain) 

Malingear. Me ! 

Madame M. You remember that little chain of 
fine gold which you used to wear on your watch? 

Malingear. Yes. What about it? 

Madame M. It was so small — so little that you 
were ashamed of it. You would hide it under your 
vest. 

Malingear. So as not to lose it. 

Madame M. Oh, no ! So as not to show it ! You 
replaced it by another one — enormous! (pointing) 
There it is ! You caress it, — you play with it, — you 



26 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

show it off! You are proud of it! (Malingear 
must be playing with it at the moment and show con- 
sternation) 

Malingear. What folly! {rises abruptly) 

Madame M. But you take good care not to say it 
is an imitation. 

Malingear. (quickly looking around room) Sh! 
— For goodness' sake keep quiet! (stands front l.) 

Madame M. It's dust in the eyes ! You are just 
as bad as the other people. — Well — your daughter, — 
she is the little fine gold chain — very simple, very 
true, very modest. — Nobody pays her any attention, 
there are so few jewelers in the world. Let me 
decorate her a little with tinsel and then everyone 
will admire her. (pointing to his chain) As they 
do your great electroplated cable! 

Malingear. (aside) There's a lot of truth in 
what she says. 

Alexandrine, (entering l.) Monsieur! 

Malingear. Well ? 

Alexandrine. That gentleman — number sixteen 
is getting impatient. 

Malingear. (suddenly remembering) Oh ! Gee 
Whiz ! I clean forgot him, poor fellow. Tell him 
to come in. 

Madame M. (quickly) No! not yet! He is six- 
teen, (to Alexandrine) Tell him that the doctor 
is busy with number fourteen. 

Malingear. Ah, — I'm busy with number four- 
teen? So? (to Alexandrine) All right. Tell 
him that. (Alexandrine exit l.) 

(She re-enters l. and crosses — going out r. Laughs 
at Madame M. when she understands what she's 
doing with money. First at table r. Alex- 
andrine following — then at table c. Alex- 
andrine grins, when suddenly Madame M. looks 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 27 

at her, she dabs at cobwebs; then follow moth 
miller.) 

Madame M. (rising) Give me your purse. 

Malingeae. My purse? Why? (gives it up) 

Madame M. (putting the money around) Ten 
Louis on this plate, three on the table — two on the 
piano. 

Malingeae. (astonished) What are you doing 
there? (he continues standing front L., but gesticu- 
lates) 

Madame M. Why, don't patients leave the fees 
that way with all the famous doctors? 

Malingeae. It's true! That's their dust. 

Madame M. (hands on lapel) Now, get at your 
desk ! Look important — brusk. Don't talk much, 
you are busy. I leave you. Call number sixteen. 
(coming back) Don't forget there's nothing the 
matter with him ! Don't deceive yourself. 

Malingeae. (seated at desk) Be tranquil, (exit 
Madame M., putting on garden hat. She passes 
window during scene and knocks on door L.) That 
wife of mine is pretty shrewd! (calling) Alex- 
andrine, (she enters) call number 16 ! 

Alexandeine. (entering e. and crossing to L. and 
opening door and calling) Number sixteen! (exit 

R.) 

Ratinois. (entering l. — aside) At last I'm here! 
A three-quarter hour wait in the ante room! 

Malingeae. (without looking at him and writing) 
Sit down. 

Ratinois. Monsieur, I thank you (sits down — 
aside) He's writing a prescription! This is a 
finely furnished room! 

Malingeae. (still writing and not looking up 
pauses) Sit down. 

Ratinois. Thank you, I have, (aside) Oh, I 



28 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

feel like an elephant. What shall I tell him is the 
matter with me! 

Malingear. (putting down pen and turning) 
Now! What's the trouble? (curt — looking over 
glasses) 

Ratinois. Monsieur, about a week ago — (loud 
knocking at door at l.) 

Malingear. (calling. Walks up. Closes door 
with snap. Ratinois stretches liis neck) Wait 
awhile, can't you? (aside) That's my wife 
knocking to make him think that there is somebody 
else waiting, (writing) 

Ratinois. (aside) Seventeen is getting impatient. 

Malingear. Go ahead, (turning again from 
desk) 

Ratinois. Monsieur, about a week ago — really 
eight days, — (circumstantial lie) I went to Saint 
Germain and back by the railroad. When I came 
home, my wife said : " How red you are ! — Are you 
sick ? " I replied to her, — " I am not positively 
sick, but I feel just so-so. I took a foot bath. It 
didn't do me any good. So here I am. 

Malingear. (rising) What do you feel? 

Ratinois. (embarrassed) Eh — ah — Heavens! 
All sorts of little things, sometimes on one side — 
sometimes on the other. 

Malingear. No headache? 

Ratinois. No. 

Malingear. Your stomach? 

Ratinois. Excellent. 

Malingear. Pains in the side? 

Ratinois. No. 

Malingear. Let me feel your pulse, (feels pulse 
and counts with watch) 

Ratinois. (aside) What a fine chain! I never 
saw one so big in all my life. 

Malingear. (aside with satisfaction) He's look- 
ing at my chain ! 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR BUST IN THE EYES 29 

Ratinois. (aside) You can see he's not the sort 
of doctor who has to run after his practice ! 

Malingeae. (putting ear to Ratinois' lack) 
Breathe. Hard — very hard! (business tapping chest) 

Ratinois. (rising — aside) I'm curious to see what 
sickness he's going to give me. 

Malingeae. That's enough. I see very clearly 
what your trouble is. 

Ratinois. Ah! (aside) He's going to put 
leeches all over me! 

Malingeae. My dear sir, you have absolutely 
nothing the matter with you ! 

Ratinois. What! (aside) He's very wise ! He's 
some doctor! (l.) 

Malingear. (going to desk and writing. Sud- 
denly) However, I'm going to prescribe a little 
diet for you. (Mme. M. is seen ushering him in with 
letter) 

A Footman. (in livery, entering up stage) 
Monsieur. 

Malingeae. What is it? (aside) Where the 
deuce did he come from ? 

Ratinois. (aside) He has a footman! 

The Footman, (presenting a letter on a silver 
tray) A letter from Madame, the duchess of Hum- 
bugville. 

Malingeae. (taking letter, very much surprised) 
For me! (aside) I don't know her! (rises. Dis- 
misses Footman) 

Ratinois. (aside) He treats duchesses! 

Malingeae. (examining envelope and aside) My 
wife's writing ! (down e. Standing. To Ratinois) 
You will permit me? 

Ratinois. Certainly, certainly! 

Malingeae. (aside, reading) "Read this letter 
aloud." (speaking aside) I must read it. (reading 
very loud) "Dear Doctor, I owe you my life" — 



30 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

(looks over glasses and grins.. Reading) "Never 
can I repay you. Permit me to send you these 
4,000 francs as a poor witness of my unspeakable 
gratitude." 

Eatinois. (aside) Four thousand francs! At 
one crack ! 

Malingeir. (aside, putting tank notes in pocket) 
These are the ones I gave her to pay the upholsterer. 

Ratinois. (aside) And he calmly puts them in 
his pocket. I'll bet his clothes are full of them! 
What a fine match for Frederick ! 

Malingear. Ah, there is a postscript, (read- 
ing) " Naughty doctor, why won't you enter the 
Academy, since you have only to say the word. 
(repeat. Only to say the word) 

Ratinois. (with admiration) Oh, say it! say it! 

Malingear. Fm not ambitious, (knocking at 
the door at l.) One moment! Wait! 

Eatinois. (aside) There must be loads of people 
out there ! (aloud) I will be leaving. 

Malingear. (taking paper from desk) Here is 
your prescription, (reading) Bordeaux wine, Cut- 
lets, Beefsteak 

Eatinois. Why, that's a — a — that's a menu card ! 

Malingear. (gives him prescription and bows) 
Monsieur, (turns to desk) 

Eatinois. (aside — drawing purse) I ought to 
give him ten francs. — No, that's too small beside the 

duchesses What a fine match for Frederick! 

(Grin. Pause) Bah, I'll leave him 20 francs. (He 
puts them on plate on stand) I don't believe he saw 
me! (picks them up and rings them on plate) 
Malingear bows — (aside) He saw me! (comes up 
stage. The upholsterer enters l.) 

The TJ. (entering brusquely l.) As last, I am 
here. Here I am. 

Malingear. Who are you? What do you want? 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 31 

The U. It's my turn. I am number seventeen. 

Malingeae. (astonished — aside) What! a 
patient! a real one! (going hack — speaks slowly — 
in awe) 

Ratinois. (aside) People struggle to get an 
audience with him! 

The U. (to Malingeae) Doctor, I have suf- 
fered for a long time from an affection — (reaches 
for his bill in his inside pocket) 

Malingeae. Pardon me. — Just one moment and 
I will be with you. 

Ratinois. Doctor, I bid you good-day. 

Malingeae. You will excuse me? 

Ratinois. Certainly. Don't disturb yourself. 
(aside in leaving) What a fine match for Frederick ! 
Maybe it's too fine. Perhaps they wouldn't want to 
ally themselves with common, ordinary people like us ! 
(aloud) Doctor, good-day! (he opens door l. 
Footman enters and stands by door. Ratinois 
stands bowing. Footman stands rigid. Ratinois 
bolts for door and exits. Footman follows) Thank 
you. Don't take the trouble, (door closes) 

Malingeae. Now, you were saying that you have 
suffered for a very long time from an affection 

The U. Oh, never mind about that now! 
(presenting a paper) Here is my little bill for doing 
over your parlor furniture. 

Malingeae. What ! my parlor furniture ? 

The U. I am your upholsterer. 

Malingeae. What do you say? 

The U. Your wife asked me to take the num- 
ber seventeen. That's a pretty slick trick you were 
working there ! 

Malingeae. (protesting) I assure you that I 
don't know anything about any trick! 

The U. No harm done. There are tricks for 
all — trades. Why, I 



32 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Malingear. Monsieur, I beg you to believe me. 
(aside) My wife is getting me all tied up here. 

The U. There is my memorandum amounting 
to 4,000 francs. 

Malingear. Let me look at it. — Oh, heavens! 
A hundred and fifty francs for an arm chair ! 

The IT. That's at the very lowest price I can 
make. 

Malingear. And the -ordinary chairs eighty ! It's 
exorbitant ! 

The U. What ! You are trying to beat me 
down after the service I have just rendered you ! 

Malingear. What service? 

The U. Why number seventeen. I was your 
little number 17. 

Malingear. (impatient) Oh! all right! receipt 
your bill, (takes pen from desk and gives it to him) 

The U. Certainly, (signs on table) 

Malingear. (giving him bank notes) Here is 
your money. 

The U. Thank you. (while counting the money) 
Doctor, if at some other time, you need anyone to 
hold a number, let me recommend to you my brother 
— an idle fellow. 

Malingear. What for? 

The U. He looks respectable and he will be 
very moderate in his charges, (laughing to self) 

Malingear. Come, come — you are paid. I'm not 
detaining you. 

The U. (aside. Leaving) All the same, he's 
a sly old rascal, (exits L.) 

Malingear. (alone) Certainly, Madame Mal- 
ingear has made me play a most ridiculous role. 

Madame M. (entering up. In garden hat with 
gloves) Have you paid the upholsterer? 

Malingear. Yes — number seventeen. 

Madame M. Wasn't that a good idea? 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 33 

Malingear. {sarcastically) My compliments! 
You have made me seem like a quack to this man. 

Madame M. Well, — an upholsterer? (she sits L. 
M. sits right) 

Malingear. And then this great elephant in 
livery ! 

Madame M. What! didn't you recognize him? 

Malingear. No. 

Madame M. He was the footman who belongs to 
the people on the second floor. 

Malingear. (forgetting himself) He was great! 
(changing his tone) But you have made me the 
laughing stock of the whole house. He will gossip. — 
That's inevitable. 

Madame M. Well, someone had to bring in the 
letter of the duchess's. 

Malingear. I haven't anything to say against 
the letter. It was all right. Well written — 
especially the last part, the postscript! 

Madame M. (quoting) "Naughty doctor" 

Malingear. " Why won't you enter the Academy." 

Madame M. " Since you have only to say the 
word." What did Monsieur Ratinios think of that. 

Malingear. He was keeled right over. But 
listen, — he looked at my chain ! (with evident satis- 
faction) 

Madame M. Ah! didn't I tell you, we'd dazzle 
them — charm them both, (she rises and takes off 
hat u. l.) 

Malingear. And to-morrow — not later than to- 
morrow, we shall hear from them. 

(Enter Uncle Robert.) 

Robert, (entering u. R. He stands looking from 
one to the other) Ah, you were expecting me? 

Malingear. No, not you. (beckons him to oe 
silent. But Robert does not notice) 



34 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Robeet. I was just passing. You got the money 
I sent you? Good! Here is the paper — will you 
please to sign. 

(Cross R., Malingear sits, protesting.) 

Mme. Malingear. But I don't understand. 

Robert. No. Women don't, (he passes her and 
walks l.) 

Malingear. (to his ivife) I will explain to you. 
(rising and waving paper) Merely a formality. 
There. Until the first of the month. Good-day. 

Robert. Not so fast. There is another little 
matter. 

Malingear. (sitting) Another matter? 

Mme. Malingear. (accusingly) Malingear! 
(£0 Robert) Another little formality? (sarcas- 
tically) 

Robert. Exactly. Your daughter! 

Malingear and Mme. Malingear. Emmeline? 

Robert. Her marriage. 

Mme. Malingear. (getting angry) How can that 
possibly concern you? 

Robert. And do you think marriages concern 
only the parents? How about Emmeline? What 
does she say? 

Mme. Malingear. Why she is only a child. 

Robert. Exactly. Is she for sale ? 

Mme. Malingear. Why the idea ! It's insulting 
— why 

Robert. Precisely! When parents conspire to 
marry off a daughter to a rich husband, that is 
insulting — to the daughter. You would not do that. 
What does Emmeline want? Shall we ask her? 

Mme. Malingear. (raging around stage — first to 
Uncle Robert, then to Malingear) The idea! 
How dare you ? How dare you interfere ? Why, this 
is positively — Malingear! And I — I — her mother — 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 35 

her mother! You shan't see her— you shan't— I 
never heard of anything like it! It's outrageous! 
I'll go and lock her in her room. She shan't have a 
word with you. For sale ! For sale indeed ! Is the 
man a lunatic? 0, Malingear, Malingear. (the 
last words heard off stage as she goes out l.) 

Robert. My nephew's mother-in-law. (looking 

after her) 

Malingear. Sir, you presume. I will return the 
money to-morrow. 

Robert. Very good. We may count that as 
settled, (puts down his hat) Malingear, I am a rich 
man. I* have worked for it— I am a lumber mer- 
chant—but I have it. There ! 

Malingear. I will pay you to-morrow. 

Robert. Ah ! but riches does not buy everything. 
Happiness, happiness, my dear Malingear.— Now, 
your daughter 

Malingear. (rises) I won't listen sir. (Exit u. 
Enter Emmeline quickly, R.) Robert— If she loves 
Frederick, she shall have him. 

Emmeline. (skipping) I've found my work 
•bag, mother! Oh, I (she skips into Robert before 
she sees him) why— I beg your pardon. 

Robert, (aside) Urn! Frederick's right. She 
is. (to Emmeline) I sent for you. 

Emmeline. Me ? 

Robert. Sit down, (she sits down quickly, half 
frightened) Do you want to get married? 

Emmeline. (rising quickly) Oh, no sir, yes sir 
— (sits) No sir. 

Robert. No sir, yes sir, no sir— Hum ! "Why do 
you say " no sir ? " 

Emmeline. It's not customary, sir. 

Robert. Not customary to want to get married? 

Emmeline. Not customary to let on, sir. (rises) 
I think I'd better — (she looks at him) 



36 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Robert, (leading her lack to chair) There — 
You will sit clown? 

Emmeline. (almost in tears) Yes, sir 

Robert. And you are not afraid. 

Emmeline. 0, no sir — not now, sir. 

Robert. So you want to get married? 
(Emmeline drops her eyes and puis her finger in 
her mouth) No? — But if you did want to get 
married — what kind of a husband would you choose ? 

Emmeline. 0, sir, a very beautiful one — tall, and 
strong, and with the most wonderful brains — a 
lawyer 

Robert. I am a wood merchant — I am very rich. 
I made it all myself 

Emmeline. but this one is young — and hand- 
some — 0, sir, I hope you were not speaking to papa 
— because it will not do. I would rather die just 
like this. 

Robert. But you would not do anything that 
your father did not wish? 

Emmeline. 0, no, sir. I intend to make him 
want Frederick. 

Robert. Ha! Quite so. Little minx. Good 
night. (aside) And so you shall — or I'm not 
Uncle Robert (Exit) 

Emmeline. What a nice funny old man. 

Malingear. (re-entering r.) Gone at last! 
(sees Emmeline u. l.) 

(His wife enters angrily l., passes Emmeline and 
confronts husband.) 

Madame M. (rapping on the table c.) Well, 
husband ! I suppose 

Malingear. Sh ! — Emmeline ! 

Emmeline. (sweetly, waving work bag) I've 
found it, mother. 

Madame M. (severely) That will do ! You may 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 37 

go! (Emmeline, very much abashed, is about to 
leave) Malingear, I want a word with you. 

Malingear. (squirming) Not now — now, I'm 
very much occupied, (sits hurriedly at desk down 
right and begins fumbling about for an excuse; his 
eye falls upon Emmeline going out u. r.) Oh, 
Emmeline, my love; aren't you going to give me a 
kiss, (she comes quickly to him, kisses his bald 
head. His wife stands glowering L.) Dear little 
girl ! Your father has just had a lot of trouble for 
your sake. 

Emmeline. Trouble? Oh, Papa, what was it? 
i^she kneels at his feet\ 

Malingear. (squirming under his wife's gaze) 
I can't tell you what it was, but don't repeat this — 
(he pinches her ear lightly) It's a secret 

Emmeline. Be tranquil ! (aside, confidentially 
to audience) I bet it's about the marriage, (aloud) 
Oh, I won't make you tell me. 

(Malingear, under cover of exchanging playful 
glances with his daughter is about to escape 
from the room, when his wife's voice arrests 
him suddenly.) 

Madame M. Malingear! (A momentary pause, 
which Emmeline breaks) 

Emmeline. Why papa, here's a button coming 
off your coat. Come here, come here — now just look 
at that! 

Malingear. "Won't you sew it on for me. I'm 
sure your mother 

Emmeline. Of course I will. I have some black 
cotton here in my bag. (Bag is on piano — she skips 
and gets it; sits on piano stool) 

(Malingear takes off his coat, showing a large rent 
in the back of vest; his wife crosses toward him; 



38 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

he turns u. l. to Emmeline, gives her the coat, 
and attempts to draw his wife into conver- 
sation.) 

Malingear. Ah, isn't she the fine girl though! 
(his wife turns her back on him, sitting near sewing 
table) No? (shrugs his shoulders as though cold) 

Madame M. (turning suddenly) Are you cold, 
Mr. Malingear, without your 

Malingear. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Let the 
child sew it. If I were Frederick, it would be when 
she was like this (pointing to Emmeline bending 
over his old coat) that Fd love her best, (goes to 
her) 

Sophie, (entering l. with basket full of grocer- 
ies) Well — (she crosses in front of Madame M. 
and plumps her basket down r., faces audience, with 
her back to her mistress) here I am — back from 
market. Cabbage rolls on the floor) 

Madame M. You've certainly taken enough time 
to buy out the place. 

Sophie. Do you want to check up, Madame. 

Madame M. Yes, give me the book. 

Sophie. Here it is! (takes it from basket and 
hands it over, without turning to face Madame M.) 

Madame M. (going to desk and adding) On the 
15th, "milk 15 cents, a rabbit 50 cents." (speak- 
ing) That's terribly dear. 

Sophie. Madame, there was sickness among the 
rabbits this year. 

Malingear. A sickness? 

Sophie. Yes, Monsieur. 

Malingear. I didn't know rabbits got sick. 

Madame M. (continuing) " Monsieur's sus- 
penders 5 cents." (speaking) What! his suspen- 
ders! 

Sophie. The buckle was broken and he had me 
get it fixed. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 39 

Malingear. What would the duchess of Humbug- 
ville say if she saw this little family group ! 

Madame M. (continuing) " On the 16th — a 
cabbage 18 cents." {crying out) Eighteen cents! 

Sophie. It was the very best, Madame. 

Alexandrine, (entering quickly l.) Madame, 
— Here are some callers ! 

All the Family, (jumping up) Callers! 

Alexandrine. Monsieur and Madame Ratinois. 

Madame M. Them? 

Malingear. Already? 

Emmeline. What good luck! 

(Sophie runs out l. with two of her packages.) 
(Alexandrine dusts piano leg.) 

Madame M. (to Alexandrine) Tell them to 
come in. (Sophie screams off stage — runs in — drops 
packages c. Alexandrine leaves. To Sophie, giv- 
ing back the hook and pushing to door R.) Quick! 
Get out of here ! (exit Sophie r.) 

Malingear. My vest! (puts it on quickly) 

Madame M. (to Emmeline) Go to the piano, — 
head back — and sing some runs ! 

Madame M. Oh, Heavens ! she forgot the basket ! 
(snatches the basket, runs around stage to hide it, 
ends by shoving it under table and pulling cover 
over it) 

(Emmeline sings "Her sweet smile haunts me 
still/' Monsieur and Madame Ratinois ap- 
pear l. Madame Ratinois in full dress. 
Monsieur Ratinois in dress coat with white 
tie and white gloves.) 

(Malingear stands u. r. stupefied — cabbage in his 
hand which he puts quickly under his coat. 
Mme. Malingear down R., Emmeline u. l.) 

Madame R. Madame! 



40 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Ratinois. Doctor! (Malingear drops callage 
from under his coat) 

Madame M. (fo Madame E.) What a happy sur- 
prise ! Have you decided to take the apartment ? 

Ratinois. We didn't come positively for that. 
(aside) Heavens, how rattled I am. (business ivith 
collar) 

Malingear. (to Ratinois) Has your sickness 
become worse? 

Ratinois. Thank you, Fm getting on all right 
now. 

(Malingear reaching for callage with his foot, 
trying to put it out of wag.) 

Madame R. We've come for something else. 

Monsieur and Madame M. (feigning astonish- 
ment) For something else ? (Malingears exchange 
glances) 

Emmeline. (aside — dancing up and down eagerly) 
The father has on a white tie ! They are going to ask 
for me! (They sit down. Emmeline remaining 
sitting on piano stool with lack to piano) 

Ratinois. (standing. He lows — then gulps — 
then loivs — then gulps. Very rattled) We have 
something we want to ask of you — something very — 
(to wife) you speak, (he turns u. l., foxing Emme- 
line and stands stupefied) 

Madame R. (sitting l. of table) Intimate and 
confidential. 

Emmeline. Mother, it's time for me to take my 
painting lesson. 

Madame M. Go, my child. 

Malingear. (aside — proudly) Didn't I say she 
was bright ! 

Emmeline. (lowing) Monsieur! Madame! 

(Malingear kicks callage out door.) 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 41 

Monsieur and Madame R. Mademoiselle! 
(exit Emmeline r. She curtsies) 

Malingear. We are alone, (draws chair up to 
wife, down R.) 

Madame E. (low to husband) Speak! Courage! 

Ratinois. (standing down l. ? low) It's no use. 
— They'd never consent to it. 

Madame M. We are listening. 

Ratinois. (very rattled) Monsieur and Madame 
— I am the father of — I have an only son — 
Frederick 

Malingear. We know him. 

Madame M. A charming young man ! who some- 
times honors our drawing rooms by visiting us. 

Ratinois. (c. — wife to his l. Low to wife) 
Our drawing rooms! — You see they have many of 
them. — They would never consent. 

Madame R. (low to husband) Go ahead. 

Ratinois. This young man who is a lawyer could 
not know your daughter — your most honorable 
daughter — without longing for an alliance which 
would honor him — in honoring us — if he could enter 
into your honorable family which everybody honors ! 

Madame M. (showing feigned astonishment) 
What ! 

Malingear. (the same) Is it possible ! 

Ratinois. (turning toward wife, and speaking 
low) There! I told you so. They'll never consent. 

Malingear. Monsieur, I assure you that such a 
demand — made so suddenly — surprises us not a little. 

Ratinois. (more downcast than ever) Didn't I 
tell you — (to his wife) They'll never consent. 
(note change of emphasis) 

Malingear. Marriage is a serious thing (pomp- 
ously) and we must ask your permission to consult — 
to reflect 

Madame R. Certainly! that is quite natural! 



42 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Madame M. (rising) In a few days, we will tell 
you our reply, (all rise and prepaid for the curtain 
picture) 

Ratinois. (crosses quickly to footlights, extreme 
left) They do not refuse, (he holds this while his 
wife makes deep curtsey toward Madame M., and 
Doctor Malingear lows deeply. Madame R. 
then goes quickly up and stands by piano. Ratinois 
turns and boivs to Madame M. and the Doctor. 
Ah! Madame — Ah! Doctor! (Ratinois then 
turns quickly to his wife u. l., claps his hat on lack 
of head. He is talking to his wife. He joins her 
v. l. quickly) They do not refuse ! 

Madame M. (u. r. coming forward quickly to 
put her hand on her husband's shoulder) How about 
dust in their eyes? 

Malingear. Admirable. I am converted, (very 
loud, to ivife) My dear wife, (coming down front) 
ask your maid to tell the butler to tell the coachman 
to harness up Dobbin and Dexter ! (striking an at- 
titude, hand to chest, before the footlights, down R.) 
I dine with the Duchess ! (he holds this attitude) 

Monsieur and Madame Ratinois. With the 
Duchess ! (in admiration. They pass each other, 
Mme. coming L., and her husband going R. He 
turns quickly, taking of his hat, in utmost surprise. 
They stand, facing the audience, overcome with 
admiration) 

Malingear. (sivings around on right foot until 
his back is toward Ratinois and wife; he then 
looks over his right shoulder, pointing with his right 
thumb to where they stand in astonishment) There 
it goes (Madame M. turns and looks toward the 
dupes, in direction pointed to by her husband) right 
in their eyes ! 

CUKTAIK 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 43 



ACT II. 

A CT II.— Living room. Home of Monsieur Kati- 
nois. The stairs may be omitted if impracti- 
cable, and replaced by a left entrance. Chairs 
to have slip-over covers on. 

Scene :— A pleasant room in the home of Ratinois. 
In the back drop, two small latticed windows 
look out into the park. Over these windows, 
dainty yellow silk curtains to the sills give the 
room a cheerful look. Piano between the 
windows. To the right of the windows a door 
leading to park. To the left of the windows a 
door leading to dining room. (The windows 
may be omitted if back drop is not large 
enough.) A fireplace u. R. with fire ^ ready 
for lighting. Door down right leading to 
library. Door down left leading to hallway. 
(In place of this door down left, a most effective 
entrance may be obtained by erecting a stairway 
along the left side-wall, leading directly away 
from the audience. The room is furnished 
simply. Pedestal front right with vase, to be 
broken during the act. Flowers on table c. 
Table u. R. Chairs with white slip-covers on. 
As the curtain rises, Ratinois and his family are 
disclosed in a domestic scene. Ratinois, in long 
robe and smoking cap is seated by table c, long- 
stemmed pipe in his hand. Madame R., knit- 
ting a great woolen sock, is seated r.^ Fred- 
erick, at the table u. R., is busily working over 
a bunch of legal papers and tax receipts. The 
family has the air of having talked themselves 
out, each being now engrossed in his own affairs. 



44 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

The minute the curtain is up, Josephine, a trim 
little maid, enters smartly with the evening 
paper, which she lays on the table before M. 
Ratinois. She is just in time to pick up 
Madame R's knitting ball on her way to the 
fireplace u. R. She closes the doors leading to 
the park, draws the portieres, stoops and lights 
the fire and goes out quickly the way she came. 
Frederick rises from his work and turns on the 
light over his head and sits again, impatiently. 
Ratinois, who has been trying to get his pipe 
lighted, rises and walks to piano, where he 
finds more matches and repeats business of at- 
tempting to light it. Deep-toned, slow clock off 
right, strikes five: quick light chime upstairs 
strikes five immediately after. Ratinois clicks 
his watch shut and turns abruptly, addressing 
his wife and son. 

Ratinois. Do you want me to tell you what I 
think about it? {evidently they do not) Well, 
they'll never consent. 

Frederick, {without looking up from his work) 
0, come now, Dad! What are you trying to tell 
us? 

Ratinois. Never you mind about this — you keep 
at your job there fixing those tax receipts. That's 
something you have to pay attention to when you are 
doing it. {sitting again in his easy chair) They'll 
never consent. 

Madame R. {looking up fron her knitting, and 
addressing Frederick, across stage) I am very 
much afraid that your father is right. 

Ratinois. Of course I'm right. It's two weeks 
to-day since we made the proposal — and we haven't 
received any reply. 

Frederick, {counting over his receipts) What's 
that prove? 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 45 

Ratinois. That proves that these people are too 
toney for us. Look at the style they live in. 

Frederick:. I didn't notice it. 

Eatinois. (sighs) I can understand that — a 
lover! You saw only the girl; but I saw the foot- 
man — six or seven feet! (indicating height with 
hand) 

Frederick, (continuing his counting up) Aw- 
aw, ha, ha ! 

Ratinois. Yes ! Six or seven feet tall ! Nothing 
escapes the clairvoyant eye of a father ! 

Madame R. And the young lady takes lessons 
from Caruso ! 

Ratinois. (over his paper) Well, she's rich 
enough to. (then putting paper aside and entering 
into the discussion) "Wlien one has a father who re- 
ceives four thousand francs at one crack — 0, I 
counted them — and who puts them in his pocket as 
calmly as if they were his spectacle case 

Frederick. (losing count and beginning over 
again) That's no reason. 

Eatinois. (same business with paper) Do you 
know who this man is — whose daughter you want to 
marry ? 

Frederick. 0, he's a doctor, (counting) 

Eatinois. Yes a doctor — who has only to say the 
word to belong to the Academy of Sciences. If he 
would say the word — (snaps his fingers) Crack! He 
would be it ! And his watch chain — Did you notice 
his watch chain? 

Frederick, (losing his count) ISTo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o ! 

Eatinois. (over his specs, wheeling around ab- 
ruptly) You didn't notice it? And do you think 
that such a person would ally himself with the son 
of a former confectioner? 

Madame R. (rising) Why in the world do you 
always tell everybody that you used to be a confec- 
tioner ? 



46 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

{From this point Madame R. dominates the scene.) 

Eatinois. (boldly) Why should I hide it? 
(apologetically) I don't tell everybody — (then blus- 
tering) but anyway I'm not ashamed of it. 

Madame R. (crossing L. to Frederick) My 
poor boy! Fm afraid you must give up all hope of 
this marriage. 

Frederick, (rises) But they haven't refused 
mother — and she's the dearest little girl ! You think 
their silence means 

Ratinois. The silence of the great is a lesson to 
the small, (changing his tone) Don't forget the 
school tax. 

(Madame R. hangs sock on the piano and returns 
to R. Frederick comes c. and takes father's 
fountain pen from M. Ratinois' pocket. Tries 
it, shakes it and returns to place u. R. at table 
during next speech.) 

Frederick. When I called, the day before you 
made the proposal, Monsieur Malingear was very 
kind to me. He gave me advice about my career. 
He urged me to become a divorce lawyer. 

Ratinois. A good choice — one'll that pay. 

Madame R. (standing u. r. and looking sympa- 
thetically at her son.) And Madame Malingear said 
to you : " It's astonishing your mother never goes to 
the opera. I have never yet seen her there." (comes 
down) 

Ratinois. (sadly) And the next day I went and 
hired a box for the season. It's dear too at that 
theatre. 

Madame R. That's a momentary sacrifice, (sits 
again) 

Ratinois. 0, I understand. When you desire to 
enter such a family you do things right. So when 
you called my attention to the fact that one cannot 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 47 

go to the opera on foot, I was obliged to take a car- 
riage by the month. That's very high-priced too. 

Madame E. It's the custom though. 

Eatinois. (sitting low in chair, puts paper on 
table) I'm not kicking. You must do things right 
— only, if I had been (yaivns deeply) allowed to 
choose a theatre, I wouldn't have chosen that one. 

Madame. Why not? 

Eatinois. (his eyes on the ceiling) Because they 
always give the same play. We've been there four 
times ! Four times to Eigoletto — It's in Italian too, 
and you can't understand a word of it. 

Madame E. You! 

Eatinois. No more yourself! You cried 
" Brava ! brava ! " very finely to make yourself noticed 
(directly to her) but I bet you can't tell me the plot. 

Madame E. I was applauding the music. 

Ratinois. I don't believe you! You got sleepy 
by the beginning of the second act. 

Madame E. I closed my eyes, but I wasn't sleep- 
ing. It was absorbed meditation ! 

Eatinois. Eats ! It was absorbed snoring ! 

Frederick. But father, we had the pleasure of 
seeing Monsieur and Madame Malingear — and their 
daughter ! 

Eatinois. Yes, we bowed to them from our box; 
they bowed to us from theirs — and there you are! 
(shrugging his shoulders) One is to stand an infinity 
of E-r-r-igoletto for that? But really, (rises and 
crosses abruptly left) there's one thing against which 
I formally protest 

Madame E. What's that? 

Eatinois. In order to make the Malingears think 
we know lots of society people, you make me bow to 
a whole crowd of people that I've never even seen. 

Madame E. What's the difference if they bow to 
you in return? 



48 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Ratinois. Not all! Not all! The other day I 
passed a plenipotentiary minister — I made a move- 
ment to him like that with my hand (military 
salute) 

Madame R. Well? 

Ratinois. Well, he leveled his eyeglass on me 
with a certain calmness — It was very disagreeable. 
(He goes up) 

Madame R. But it's for our son, mon ami. 

Ratinois. Hum ! So it is. Yes. See here. You 
care for — for this little girl? 

Frederick, (in a voice "breaking with tenderness) 
I tell you — why Dad, you don't know how much I 
care. Yesterday, I was in the park. It was just 
at dusk and the moon was coming up on the lake. I 
was walking along in a sort of mood — (father and 
mother exchange glances) 

Madame R. A-ah ! Poor boy ! 

Fredepick. My eyes were on the ground. I came 
into the light. I turned round a bleeding-heart bush, 
and there 

Ratinois. (laughing) There was this little 
beauty. 

Frederick. No — it was her track. There in the 
soft moist earth was a FOOT PRINT — just one — one 
pretty little footprint in the brown gentle earth 
among the tulips 

Ratinois. Hum ! 

Frederick. 0, I can't tell you how it made me 
feel! I longed to fall down upon my knees and 
press my lips to it — It was like rinding the feather 
from an angel's wing. Ah, a fellow could follow 
that little footstep through the whole world — it'd 
never lead him far wrong. 

Ratinois. No — a tulip bed's just the place for 
footprints! (he walks down trying to light pipe) 

Frederick, (coming out of his reverie) Heigho! 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 49 

(rises and picks up tax receipts) Here are your 
receipts, father. 

Eatinois. (putting them in pocket) Thank you, 
my son. 

(Frederick turns to piano at onaz and sits and plays 
" Meditation " or sings a sentimental old ballad 
like "Her Sweet Smile Haunts me Still") 

(After playing very softly a few moments, Fred- 
erick sighs deeply and plays louder.) 

Madame E. (after exchanging glances with her 
husband) What's that you're singing, love? 

Frederick, (plays louder and faster) Don't you 
know, mother — ? (plays a few more bars, then 
breaks off abruptly and rises) No matter. 

(Frederick goes to glass — primps — crosses l. and 
takes hat and cane — tries on hat before glass, 
etc. Madame R. and her husband exchange 
glances. Frederick at last takes handkerchief 
from his pocket to dust his shoes.) 

Madame R. Are you going out? 

Frederick. Yes — I — I have an errand to do. 

Eatinois. Then take the carriage — it's hired by 
the month — we must use it. 

Frederick. Sure you're not going to use it your- 
self? 

Ratinois. Who? Me? Never! Those two big 
rascals of horses who eat hay all day long — They cut 
up the lawn, too. 

Frederick. But I don't believe I could take them 
where I'm going — er — that is — I — I'll be right back 
— (Madame Eatinois has been crossing slowly to- 
ward door u. R., through which Frederick is going 
out. She is looking toward him expecting him to 
whisper his secret to her at the door) Now, mother 
— I'm going — going — just going — (He claps his hat 
on his head and goes out quickly, u. R.) 



50 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Ratinois. Gone! He's going to look for beauty 
tracks. 

Madame R. I'm going to write to my dressmaker 
— (crossing l) 

Ratinois. What for? 

Madame R. (ascending stairway L.) To order a 
grand piano, you dear thing, (exit L.) 

Ratinois. (alone) I suppose that means more 
dress for the opera ! ! ! And cut " Rigolctto " (indi- 
cating extremely low dress) Dresses ! Hum ! that's 
something else that people don't give away. We'll 
have a nice little pile of bills at the end of the month. 

(Enter Uncle Robeet u. r. He comes down to 
greet Ratinois and sits down r. Ratinois sits 
tip l., crossing to this position after greeting 
Uncle Robert.) 

Robert, (entering rea?') Merry 14th of Je-New 
Years, Ratinois. 

Ratinois. (rising) What! It's uncle Robert! 
(they shake hands) 

Robert. Everybody well? 

Ratinois. Yes. Frederick has just gone out. 

Robert. And my niece? 

Ratinois. She's somewhere around. I'll go find 
her. (crosses L.) 

Robert. No. Don't disturb her. I was just pass- 
ing this way and thought I'd drop in. I can only stay 
a moment, though. Got to be at Bercy at six. I'm 
expecting a cargo of lumber, (front right) 

Ratinois. Always business ! Don't you ever rest 
yourself ? 

Robert. Only when I have to. You see. Ratinois, 
when a person comes to Paris with only twelve cents 
in his pocket, and starts at the bottom of the ladder, 
he's got to be an early bird, and I've got the habit. 

Ratinois. I know, I know. — (aside) It's funny 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 51 

but since I've been going in certain society, I find 
Uncle Robert common ! 

Robekt. (c.) But I'm not proud on account of 
that ! Because I say " a man is worth what he proves 
himself worth." — You, you used to be a confectioner. 

Ratinois. Sh ! 

Robert. I, I am a lumber dealer 

Ratinois. Sh ! 

Robert. What? 

Ratinois. What's the use of saying that I used to 
be a confectioner, and proclaiming the fact that you 
are a lumber dealer ! 

Robert. I don't blush for my business. Find a 
better one if you can ! 

Ratinois. Magnificent ! It is magnificent ! 

Robert. Well, then? 

Ratinois. But everybody can't follow this — 
beautiful occupation ! 

Robert. No, certainly not. 

Ratinois. Well, when you cry " I, am a lumber 
dealer." It's as if you were saying to the others, 
" Imbeciles, you are not lumber dealers, you — and I, 
I am one." It's vain-glory! 

Robert. Ah! if it's that, I'll keep quiet, (draw- 
ing his watch) Half-past five! Good-bye. You'll 
see me again soon ! (up at door) 

Ratinois. (astonished) Ah! 

Robert. To-day's your wife's birthday, the 22nd 
of April. 

Ratinois. Holy Smoke! You're right! I for- 
got all about it. 

Robert. On my way back, I'll be passing by the 
flower market, and I'll buy her a Rubber plant, (c.) 

Ratinois. Yes ! your annual surprise ! 

Robert. It's always a pleasure for me. 

Ratinois. You'll stay to dinner, won't you? — 
There'll be nobody else! 



52 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Robert. All right. — But no ceremony ! (at door) 

Ratinois. Be tranquil! We wouldn't make any 
ceremony for you. Then, at six ? 

Robert. That suits me. By-the-way, about Fred- 
erick, aren't you ever going to get the boy married? 
(c. again) 

Ratinois. There is, perhaps, something under 
way. 

Robert. Ah ! something good ? 

Ratinois. I'm afraid they're too toney for us ! 

Robert. A lumber dealer? 

Ratinois. No, indeed ! my no — not that. But 
the affair is not getting on — it's dragging. 

Eobert. We must liven it up. What if I should 
go and see the family? 

Ratinois. (frightened) No, thank you! (aside) 
What if he should meet the duchess ! 

Robert. You know what I told you ! " I have no 
children, I am rich; on the day of the marriage, I 
will make a present, a fine present." 

Ratinois. Good Uncle Robert! 

Robert. Well, good-bye. See you later. Mind, 
now, don't give away my surprise — the Rubber plant. 

Ratinois. Be tranquil! (Robert leaves r. 
Alone, sitting in chair) What a fine man! He 
adores Frederick and what's more he can afford to 
give him a whole silver service, (thumping hand on 
chair arm) Poor boy! They'll never consent! — 
We have flown too high, — it's a shame ! 

Josephine, (entering r.) A gentleman and a 
lady who wish to see you, Monsieur. 

Ratinois. What's their name ? 

JosErniNE. Monsieur and Madame Malingear. 

Ratinois. (jumping up) Them? — Oh, the dick- 
ens, the deuce — Wait. Where in himmel's my wife ! 
(to Josephine) Don't let them come in yet ! (call- 
ing) Constance! Constance! 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 53 

Madame R. (entering on run) Goodness' sakes, 
what's the matter ? 

Ratinois. They are here ! 

Madame R. Who's that? 

Ratinois. The father and the mother! What 
shall we do? 

Madame R. We must receive them — they have 
come to give us their answer ! 

Ratinois. Themselves ! You think so ! 

Madame R. Of course, (to Josephine) Bring 
them in. Oh ! heavens ! these chair-covers ! (runs 
p. Ratinois knocks bric-a-brac off pedestal and 
breaks it) 

Josephinf. — Runs L. and snatches off cover — 
starts out r. — tvhen Ratinois stops her by 
clapping his hands at her. He takes off dressing- 
gown and sends her upstairs with it — Madame 
R. — Snatches off cover and runs out l. — Comes 
in quickly crossing after Josephine — Runs 
hand along piano-keys as she parses — turns 
on stairs and points to sock on piano — 
Ratinois dashes wildly to piano, and begins tak- 
ing off piano cover — Madame R. stops him — He 
has trouble with chair cover e. — puis his foot on 
it and tears it off — Josephine comes down stairs 
with coat — He puts it on — Spills water from, 
vase on table c, all over himself and crosses 
stage wiping water from coat, limply exclaim- 
ing over and, over " what a day'' etc. 

Ratinois. Yes, the chair-covers ! take off the 
chair-covers! (l. runs c. to table) Help us! (to 
Josephine) Wait! They musn't come in yet ! (all 
three frantically rip off chair-covers) What an 
event ! What a day ! (Ratinois pulls cover off table 
and has to fix it. He stands tearing his hair) 

Madame R. Come, brace up ! courage ! and mind, 
now, don't use slang! 



54 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Ratinois. Why not? (leads him l.) 

Madame R. Because they don't, (to Josephine, 
who has thrown chair-covers in nearby closet) Bring 
them in. (Josephine leaves r). 

Ratinois. (to wife) Get at the piano, — sing 
some runs ! (she plays. Noticing chair in back- 
ground with cover still on) Ah! we have forgotten 
one! (hurries to take it of. Monsieur and 
Madame Malingear enter r. Gets to piano) 

Madame R. (to Madame M.) Ah! dear Madam, 
how charmed I am to see you ! 

Malingear. We are very much ashamed of our- 
selves. We have owed you a call for quite a while. 

Madame M. But the doctor is so busy — so very 
busy ! (simpers) 

Madame R. Won't you sit down? (they sit 
doivn. Ratinois trying to get out of hiding place) 

Malingear. (pause) Won't we have the pleasure 
of seeing Monsieur Ratinois? (Ratinois, who has 
remained in rear trying to hide chair-cover, finishes 
by stuffing it in wooden chest) 

Ratinois. Here I am! I'm coming! (Malin- 
gear rises) I was in my study, (bowing) Doctor 
—Dear Madame, (shakes her hand and stands holding 
it) may I inquire about your precious health? 

Madame M. I'm very well, thank you, except for 
occasional headaches. 

Madame R. Just like me— I'm distracted with 
headaches. 

Ratinois. Me, too, distracted with headaches! 
(He and Malingear sit down) 

Ratinois. 
Malingear. Mme. Ratinois. 

Mme. Malingear. 

Madame M. Shall we see you at the opera to- 
morrow ? 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 55 

Madame R. Oh, indeed, yes! certainly! 

Ratinois. What's the show? 

Malingeae. Rigoletto ! ! 

Eatinois. Oh, so much the better! so much the 
better ! 

Madame M. I never get tired of that music ! 

Ratinois. Neither do I ! It almost lulls me to 
sleep ! 

Madame R. And isn't that finale just ravishing? 

All. Ah ! charming, charming ! 

Madame M. And the andante ! 

Ratinois. Oh ! It's glorious ! glorious ! glorious ! 

Malingeae. (aside) This future father-in-law 
certainly is a fanatic. I'm like my wife, I don't 
understand one blooming thing about music, (mo- 
ment of silence. Husbands and wives exchange 
glances) 

Madame M. (to husband) My dear, we are taking 
too much of Monsieur and Madame Ratinois' time. 
(Mme. M. gives her husband a look) 

Madame R. Not at all ! 

Ratinois. I have nothing to do. — I have retired 
from business. 

Malingeae. Ah ! you were in business, then ? 

Ratinois. Yes. 

Madame M. A steel man? (Mme. Ratinois sig- 
nals him to be quiet) 

Ratinois. (embarrassed) No! — I — I was 

Madame R. (quickly) — a refiner — My husband 
was a sugar refiner. 

Malingeae. Ah ! that's a fine business ! 

Ratinois. (aside) Confectioner or refiner, it's 
sugar just the same ! 

Madame M. (aside) The refiners are all million- 
aires ! (another silence — Then business of Mme. M. 
trying to get her husband up by nods, etc., — to hus- 
band aloud) Doctor, you forget that we owe an an- 
swer to 



56 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Malingeae. (rising) Oh ! yes — so we do — yes — 
y-ee-s! (posing) Madame, and you, Monsieur, — 
about two weeks ago, you made a demand of us which 
flatters us as much as it honors us ! — (Monsieur and 
Madame Ratinois bowing) Doctor! — Madame! 

Malingeae. The inquiries which we have seen 
fit to make — doubtless as you too have made in be- 
half of Monsieur Frederick — and let me assure you, 
not of an inquisitive nature — have been such that as 
a result we have concluded that such an estimable 
union with your most esteemed son not only would 
please us but would honor us greatly in our estima- 
tion, (panting — sits down — mops his brow) 

Ratinois. (rising — very much moved) Doctor, I 
believe I am the faithful interpreter of the senti- 
ments of Madame Ratinois, — and of my own — and 
of those of my son Frederick — a lawyer — when I say 
to you with an emotion — which you can understand 
— for it is that of a father — and you, Madame, are a 
mother, — when I say to you: Doctor, receive from 
this day the benedictions and the affectionate grati- 
tude of a family — which — that — I will say more! of 
a family which — (with effusion) Anyway, won't you 
take dinner with us? (they rise) 

Madame M. (surprised) Eh! 

Malingee. What! To-day? 

Madame R. Oh, it would be charming ! 

Madame M. Some other day — later ! 

Ratinois. Such an honor would be a great happi- 
ness to us! 

Madame R. It will just be a family party. 

Ratinois. Won't you come, doctor? 

Madame R, Madame? 

Malingeae. Well, then, since you urge us ! — but 
on one condition 

Ratinois. What ? 

Malingeae. That you make no ceremony for us. 

Eatinois. Be tranquil. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 57 

Madame R. Our ordinary meal — nothing but our 
ordinary meal, (she rings) You permit me? (low, 
to Josephine who enters l.) Go instantly and get 
Monsieur Chevet's caterer, (they come down front) 
You know — Monsieur Chevet of that new million- 
dollar hotel, the — oh ! you know where it is. (Ma- 
dame K. leading her u. s.) 

Josephine, (astonished) He's awfully expensive, 
Madame. 

Madame R. Wouldn't he come to a house like this ? 
Not if we paid him? 

Josephine. I guess he'd come for me. 

Madame R, Quickly! quickly! (Josephine 
leaves l. for her hat) 

Madame M. (c, crossing e. to Madame R.) It's 
understood that we won't dress up — for this? 

Madame R. We shall remain just as we are. 

Malingear. (crossing l.) Now, may I ask a few 
a few moments' interview with you, Ratinois? 

Ratinois. Certainly! I am entirely at your serv- 
ice! (aside) He called me Ratinois! What if we 
should get to calling each other by our first names ! 

Malingear. (facing audience) We must talk over 
our little arrangements. 

Ratinois. (aside) The dowry!! (aloud) I 
hope we shall have no difficulty. — If you will trouble 
yourself to step into my study? 

Malingear. (they go to door) After you, Rat- 
inosis. 

(Enter, Josephine, tying on bonnet.) 

Ratinois. Certainly not! (makes him enter 
first) Ratinois. I don't dare to call him Malingear 
yet, leaving the " Doctor " off ! (they leave l. Jose- 
phine goes out u. s.) 

Madame R. (r.) Oh! won't Frederick be the 
happy boy ! 



58 THE BLUFFERS; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Madame M. Between you and me, I don't think 
this will displease my daughter a little bit ! 

Madame R. The dear girl! I promise you to 
love her as if I were her own mother ! 

Madame M. Shall we talk over a little how they 
shall start housekeeping? 

Madame R. Oh ! quite willingly ! 

(Madame Ratinois stands front R. facing l. 
Mme. Malingear stands r. c.) 

Madame M. {coming forward and R.) Day after 
to-morrow we will hunt up an apartment for them. 

Madame R. One on the first floor? 

Madame M. Oh. a first floor apartment is too 
low. A third floor one ! 

Madame R. The third floor is too high. How 
about the second? 

Madame M. All right, then, a second. That's 
only a matter of five or six thousand francs, (they 
sit down front R.) 

Madame R. Let's call it six thousand francs. 

Madame M. (taking a small card and pencil from 
her hag) Wait, I'll write it down on this card. 
(writing) Rent, — six thousand francs. 

Madame R. Clothes. That's important. 

Madame M. It is — It's very difficult for a 
woman who goes in a certain world of society to dress 
on less than four or five thousand francs. That's 
what I spend. 

Madame R. (c.) So do I. Let's call it six thou- 
sand francs. 

Madame M. (ivriting) Clothes— 6,000 francs. 
(aside) Certainly she isn't stingy! 

Madame R. (aside) I! who spent only 900 
francs last year for my clothes and then Ratinois 
scolded me right royally ! 

Madame M. The carriage! Do you think they 
can afford a carriage? 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 59 

Madame R. Certainly! (aside) If the dowry is 
large enough! 

Madame M. It's very disagreeable for a young 
lady to tramp along in the mud — especially with 
these hobble skirts they're wearing now-a-days! 

Madame R. Oh ! it's impossible ! — There are car- 
riages for hire. 

Madame M. The cabs ! Oh ! don't mention those 
awful boxes to me ! ! 

Madame R. (quickly)' I wouldn't think of men- 
tioning them ! 

Madame M. They are black ! — and narrow ! 

Madame R. And dirty ! I wouldn't get into one 
for all the world ! (aside) I always go on foot ! 

Madame M. I think that a nice little coupe 

Madame R. With two pretty little horses. 

Madame M. And a pretty little coachman. 

Madame R. Let's call it six thousand francs. 

Madame M. (writing) Coupe, 6,000 francs. 
(aside) These refiners eat— gold ! (aloud) House- 
hold expenses, table 

Madame R. Let's call it six thousand francs. 

Madame M. (writing down and then speaking) 
It's enough, (adding) Six, twelve, eighteen, twenty- 
four. Total : 24,000 francs.— That seems all right to 
me. (tosses the card on the table) 

Madame R. It's not too much, (aside) They 
must be going to give an enormous dowry, (they 

rise) 

Malingear. (entering l. followed by Ratinois) 
All right, then, Ratinois, you have my word. 

Ratinois. And you mine, Malingear. (aside) 
I've risked calling him that ! 

Malingear (to the ladies) We are completely 
agreed. — (crosses to wife) 

Ratinois. Absolutely, Malingear. (aside) 
again ! 



60 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

(Madame M. and Malingeae extreme front e.) 
Madame M. (low to husband) How much? 
Malingeae. (loiv) Hundred thousand. 
Madame M. (aside, astonished) No more! 

(Madame R. and Ratinois front l. c.) 

Madame R. (low to husband) How much? 

Ratinois. (low) Hundred thousand. 

Madame R. (aside) Is that all! 

Madame M. (low to husband) Let's go home. 
(slowly) I want to speak to you. 

Malingeae. (he makes haste, getting his hat u. R. 
quickly) We must ask your permission to leave. — I 
have some patients to see. (quickly) 

Ratinois. The duchess? (l. front) 

Madame R. (crossing u. R.) Then we shall see 
you at six. (to Madame M.) And above all, no 
dressing up ! 

Madame M. Oh, that's understood, (bowing) 
Madame 

Ratinois. (front l.) Well, — see you later, Mal- 
ingear. (they leave R. To wife) Ah! There's a 
good thing finished. 

Madame R. (u. r. Holds position u. r. in anger — 
tense) A hundred thousand francs ! That's not seri- 
ous ! 

Ratinois. (astonished) What's that? 

Madame R. That's meanness ! A hundred thou- 
sand francs ! The idea ! 

Ratinois. (matter-of-fact — suave — wife is on verge 
of a storm) But, I can't afford any more. 

Madame R. Can't help that ! Our son has a pro- 
fession. He must be set up in style ! He is a lawyer. 

Ratinois. But, he never pleads. 

Madame R. He never pleads because he has no 
cases ! 

Ratinois. That's right, (after pondering — sud- 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 61 

denly) But, if he has no cases it's just the same as 
if he wasn't a lawyer ! 

Madame R. {vary the tone — sympathy first — de- 
termination — petulant anger) The cases will come. 
He has the future before him. But, I can't see how 
you ever came to accept this figure ! 

Ratinois. A young couple who have 10,000 
francs' income are pretty well off. 

Madame R. (moves u. toward table) Yes, pretty 
well off " Easy Street." 

Ratinois. (sarcastically) You don't say so! 

Madame R. (giving him the card from table) 
Come, look at this. 

Ratinois. What is it? 

Madame R. An estimate of the children's ex- 
penses which Madame Malingear jotted down while 
3 r ou two were in there. 

Ratinois. (reading) Rent — 6,000 francs, — 
Clothes, coupe — 24.000 francs. — What does that 
prove? Can't this estimate be reduced? (lays it 
coolly on table) 

Madame R. Oh, if Mademoiselle Malingear were 
a simple young girl brought up on principles of order, 
of economy — like us — in short, an ordinary girl, all 
would be well. — But, a girl who takes lessons from 
Caruso, — who paints in oil, and who — wouldn't, I 
daresay, know how to sew a button on for her hus- 
band! 

Ratinois. It's true, that in a matter of 

Madame R. She sings ! She has been cradled in 
silk and lace all her life. She must have a swell 
apartment, a carriage, a coachman — There's nothing 
the matter with that, but, then, one must have a 
dowry — a large dowry! 

Ratinois. (suavely, not looking at her) Come, — 
don't bother ! Frederick loves the little girl, and if 
you should speak of breaking off this marriage 



62 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Madame R. (bearing down on him front L. and 
bringing the quarrel to a head) It's uot a question 
of breaking off ! The Malingears are rich — very rich 
— people who have a footman ! 

Ratinois. Yes, I have seen him. Seven or eight 
feet, (indicating height with hands) 

Madame R. Well, (turns, shrugs shoulders and 
walks off L.) let them give more. You must talk 
with the father again. He is going to come? 

Ratnois. Yes, — I guess I must speak to him 
again. 

Madame R. What! You don't seem to under- 
stand ! 

Ratinois. (he speaks rapidly now) Yes! Yes! 
but it's difficult to say to a man, — the 100,000 francs 
which I give are enough — but yours are not enough. 
It's very difficult! 

Madame R. (she speaks slowly now) Bah! he is 
vain. You must prick his balloon. Take him by his 
pride. Offer to give something more yourself. That 
will get him going, (extreme l.) 

Ratinois. But we can't afford to go very far with 
only 17,000 francs' income, (he crosses to her L. in 
supplication) 

Madame R. Then propose to give a present (l.) 
some trifle, (tosses her head and crosses R. leaving 
him with the burden) 

Ratinois. A silver service! (aside) Uncle 
Robert's ! 

Josephine, (entering) Madame, here is the 
caterer. 

Madame R. Bring him in. (Josephine exit) 

Ratinois. Constance, for goodness' sake, be sure 
to do the right thing ! (he goes u. L.) 

Madame R. Be tranquil ! 

The Caterer, (entering and bowing.) Madame — 

Madame R. Monsieur, we are going to have a 
dinner. 



THE BLUFFERS; OH DUST IN THE EYES 63 

Eatinois. (u. l. Seated) A grand dinner. 

Caterer. How many people? 

Madame E. We are — (thinking) six. 

Eatinois. But have enough for twelve. We want 
to do things right. We are entertaining a great man 
— Doctor Malingear. You've doubtless heard of him. 

Caterer. No, Monsieur. 

Eatinois. Ah, of course! he only treats dis- 
tinguished people. 

Caterer. Here is what I propose, (writes on 
small pad while he is talking) Two soups — " bisque " 
— and " a la reine." 

Eatinois. Truffles with them? 

Caterer. No, Monsieur, there are no soups with 
truffles ! 

Eatinois. What a shame ! 

Madame B. Next? 

Caterer. That's the first course 

(Enter Frederick.) 

Frederick. Well, I'm back. 
Eatinois and Madame E. Frederick! 

(Frederick is surprised at the rapturous greeting.) 

Eatinois. (rising) Don't you know? They have 
come, (comes down l. Caterer is between them) 

Frederick. Who? (stands stupefied u. R.) 

Eatinois. The Malingears! 

Madame B. The girl is pleased with you all right. 

Eatinois. And the father and mother too. All is 
arranged. 

Frederick. Is it possible? 

Madame B. (opening her arms) Ah! My boy! 
(they embrace) 

Eatinois. (opening his arms) How about me? 

Frederick. Good old dad! (they embrace) 

Caterer, (not knowing what to make of their 



64 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

actions and aside) I embarrass them! (goes up 
stage and looks at a picture on ivall) 

Ratinois. I invited them for dinner this evening. 

Frederick. Ah ! what a good idea ! 

Madame R. And we were just picking out what we 
wanted to have 

Ratinois. And here is the caterer! Why where 
is he? (calling very loudly) Hey! Monsieur. 

Caterer, (coming to front) Pardon me! 
(Madame sits front r. and writes) 

Ratinois. (to Frederick) We were at the second 
course. You can help us. (sits) 

Caterer. Second course — Rhenish carp from 
Chambourd flanked with truffles. 

Ratinois. (patting stomach) Ah! Fine (front 

L.) 

Caterer. With shrimps curled like earrings. 

Ratinois. (suddenly — slapping knee) Oh! 
diablotin ! 

Frederick and Madame R. (shocked. Caterer 
politely surprised but silent) What! (Frederick 
putting up hat and cane. Madame R. writing 
front R.) 

Ratinois. I invited Uncle Robert ! The earrings 
made me think of him ! 

Madame R. Him f It's impossible ! 

Frederick. Why ? 

Madame R. Why we couldn't have him sit down 
at the same table with the Malingears. (they all 
crowd together jabbering — c.) 

Frederick. " Why not ? " 

Mme. R. " Of course not." 

Ratinois. " It would never do." 

Caterer. I embarrass them ! (returns to con- 
templating picture) 

Frederick. But he is my uncle! And a fine 
man! 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 65 

Eatinois. Yes, but he is not of our class of 
society. Anyway, he has a certain style of eating! — 
He puts his knife in his mouth ! 

Madame E. And he serves himself from the dish 
with his fork! (leaving Frederick c.) 

Eatinois. And he drinks wine in his bouillon. 
That may be good for the stomach but it's awful to 
look at! 

Frederick. That's not a reason, (c. Mme. re- 
turns to Frederick soothingly during sarcastic 
speech of Eatinois) 

Eatinois. Now, look here! (c.) We are not 
going to spoil the looks of this fine dinner we are 
stinting ourselves to give by having him here. 
(pauses in this speech and gestures) What do you 
suppose Uncle Eobert would do if he got up against 
Rhenish carp from Chambourd! (turns) With 
truffles ! It would look like a dish of cabbage ! Do 
you want us to have cabbage? 

Madame E. We'll have him to-morrow instead. 
(turns bach and goes to her, writing. Frederick to 
piano) 

Eatinois. To eat the leavings. That's all right. 
Let us continue — after the carp? (looking for the 
caterer) Where is he wow? (calling loudly) Hey! 
Monsieur! — he's always going off! 

Caterer, (returning) Pardon me. (c.) 

Eatinois. After the carp? (r.) 

Caterer. The entree: fillet of beef broiled with 
fresh peas 

Eatinois. With truffles ? 

(Frederick is drifting toward piano, showing anger.) 

Caterer. If you want them. 
Eatinois. Certainly ! 

Caterer. The roast! Chinese golden pheasant. 
(sarcastically) With truffles ! 



66 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Ratinois. Fine! (to Frederick u. r.) Can 
you imagine nncle Robert in the face of a Chinese 
golden pheasant? He certainly would be flabber- 
gasted. (Frederick plays at piano) 

Caterer. For a side dish, I should suggest truffles 
a la Lucullus — disguised — but you already have very 
many truffles, (front l.) 

Ratinois. No difference ! No difference ! 

Madame R. Serve the truffles a la Lucullus — 
Ratinois! Ah! (sitting u. R.) I dined once at a 
house where they changed the knives and forks with 
each course. 

Caterer. That's done everywhere now. 

Madame R. But I only have -two doz. knives and 
two doz. forks — and I think one or two of the forks 
are lost. 

Ratinois. Well, then you needn't change mine. 

Frederick. Nor mine! (hits high note then 
higher then higher note) 

Madame R. Nor mine ! 

Caterer. We will wash them as we proceed. 

Ratinois. That's a good idea ! Now, how about 
the dessert? (leaning forward awkwardly) 

Caterer. For a centerpiece, I should propose a 
structure of pastry. 

Ratinois. Something very high ! 

Caterer. It is a Nankin tower, built of pine- 
apples and on top of a cake, and the tower sur- 
mounted by a Chinaman made of spun sugar. 

Madame R. Ah, that would be fine ! (rubs hands 
and sits back) 

Ratinois. What do you sell those for? 

Caterer. Sixty four francs. 

Ratinois. Ah, sugar things ! I'm up on them, — 
since I used to be a 

Madame R. (quickly) Very well, we'll see. — We 
will think it over. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 67 

Caterer. It will be ready whenever you wish it. 
Besides this, there will be an ice of course. — And 
which brand of champagne do you prefer " Moet " or 
"The Widows?" 

Madame B. " The Widow's ? " 

Eatinois. What widow's? 

Caterer. The widow Cliquot. It's the very best. 

Eatinois. And what do you sell that for? 

Caterer. Twelve francs. The "Moet" is only 
six. 

Eatinois. Very well. We'll see — we'll think it 
over. 

Madame E. Have dinner at six, sharp. 

(Madame E. counting up, and planning r.) 

Caterer. Eest easy, Madame, (starts to leave) 

Eatinios. (calling him hack) Ho! Monsieur 
Caterer. 

Caterer. Monsieur ? 

Eatinois. There's another important dish whose 
name I've forgotten. It comes at the very last. — It's 
warm water with peppermint in it that you drink. — 

Caterer. Those are Finger bowls. 

Frederick. You don't drink them ! (to audience, 
defiantly) 

Eatinois. (astonished) What! 7 drink them! 

Caterer, (leaving, aside) Well, these are com- 
mon people, (disappears u. l. into study) 

Eatinois. Well, I guess we're going to have a nice 
little dinner! People will talk about it! — but I 
drink them, (more defiantly to audience, crossing l.) 

Madame E. We've forgotten the most important 
thing of the whole business! 

Eatinois. What's that? 

Madame E. (c.) The Malingears have a footman. 
We've simply got to have somebody in a livery. 

Eatinois. That's true. 



68 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN TEE EYES 

Frederick. What for? 

Ratinois. We've got to do things right. 

Madame R. (aside) The people on the first floor 
have gone away and left their servants in charge. — If 
I (rises) could — (aloud) come, Frederick, I need 
you. I have some things I want you to do. (picks 
him up) 

Frederick. All right, mother, (they both leave 

L.) 

Ratinois. (aloud) A Livery ! We only have 
Josephine — we couldn't put her in one! (l.) 

Robert, (entering r.) Here I am! 

Ratinois. (surprised) Uncle Robert! 

Robert. I'm ahead of time, but I've brought an 
appetite. 

Ratinois. (aside — ironically) A lucky chance! — 
I must find a way to dis -invite him without getting 
him sore. 

Robert. On the way, I stopped at Lesage's and 
bought a pie. — I left it with Josephine. 

Ratinois. Ah ! good Uncle Robert. 

Robert. The Rubber plant will come, in a little 
while. 

Ratinois. Oh, goodness ! It just occurs to me — 

Robert. What ? 

Ratinois. Tell me frankly, I invited you to 
dinner, didn't I? 

Robert. Certainly. 

Ratinois. I was sure of it. 

Robert. Well? 

Ratinois. It's impossible ! We are dining out to- 
night. My wife just reminded me of it. 

Robert. Ah ! that's annoying ! 

Ratinois. It's at the Blanch ard's. Can't get out 
of it. They have received some game from a friend 
in the country. 

Robert. I understand. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 69 

Ratinois. Then you're not angry? 

Robert. Of course not! And that pie? 

Ratinois. We'll eat it to-morrow. We are count- 
ing on you. 

Robert. All right. Good-bye. Have a good time. 

Ratinois. Till to-moTrow. 

Robert, (coming bach) I have an idea! I have 
something I want to say to Blanchard. I'll drop in 
and take a cup of coffee with you. 

Ratinois. (aside) Oh! the devil! 

Robert. Till this evening! (exit r.) 

Ratinois. This is a fine fix ! He won't find us at 
Blanchard's and then won't there be a row ! 

Frederick:, (entering with boohs and stereoscope 
u. L.) Here's what I bought. 

Ratinois. What did you get? 

Frederick. This is a photograph album, — mother 
said to put it out on the table where it's sure to be 
seen. — They'll think we know these people. 

Ratinois. That's a good idea! (turning over the 
leaves) The President, Jack Johnson, Roosevelt, 
Andrew Carnegie, Edmund Rostrand, Paderewski. 

Frederick, (shoiving him a small box) This is 
for you. 

Ratinois. What is it? A chain? 

Frederick. Yes, a watch-chain. 

Ratinois. Gee — blamed if it's not bigger than 
Malingear's! (attaches it to watch) Magnificent! 
It will have a superb effect ! 

Frederick. It's only an imitation, but you don't 
need to say that. 

Ratinois. (indignantly) Imitation ! (after re- 
flecting) After all when imitations seem to be the 
real thing — they are no longer imitations ! (a tall 
servant in livery enters L. with two lighted lamps — to 
Frederick) Who is that fellow? Do you know 
him? 



70 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Frederick. No ! 

Ratinois. (to the servant who puts lamp on mantel 
piece) My friend, where are you from? 

Servant. I'm the servant of the people on the 
first floor. 

Ratinois. Ah. Very well. (to Frederick) 
She's commanded him! He is superb, though. 
(looking admiringly at the servant who leaves) But 
not so tall as Malingear's. (a noise of a carriage 
without) 

Frederick, (running to the window) A carriage ! 
It's them! 

Ratinois. And my wife isn't here! (calling l. 
upstairs) Constance ! Constance ! 

(The door at r. opens and a little negro in livery 
enters — announces. ) 

The Negro. Monsieur — madame and madem- 
oiselle Malingear. 

Ratinois. (aside) A negro! Well, I'm blamed! 
How these women can pull the strings and get any- 
thing they want beats me ! (going to meet the 
Malingears) Madame, Mademoiselle. 

Frederick, (boiving) Mademoiselle Emmeline. 
(leads her u. s. She looks timidly toward mother) 

Madame M. (low to husband) They have a negro ! 
Have you noticed ? 

Malingear. Yes ! These refiners can afford any- 
thing ! 

(Ratinois crosses front l. still shaking his head over 
the negro — glances up the stairs as if about to 
call his wife, then turns suddenly.) 

Ratinois. (to Madame M.) Oh, madame! 
(shaking head sorrowfully) I'm sorry ! 
Madame M. What's the matter? 
Ratinois. We agreed not to dress up — and you 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 71 

have made yourself so ravishingly beautiful in that 
dress that our little dinner will seem entirely un- 
worthy ! 

Madame M. Oh, all this is very simple. 

(The men look on with hands upraised. The women 
eye each other like cats.) 

Ratinois. My wife isn't dressing up for this and 
I'm sure she will scold you ! Here she is ! (seeing 
the toilet of his wife, composed of different colors and 
very conspicuous) Holy cats ! A rainbow ! 

Madame R. (coming down the stairs) Dear, good 
madame ! How sweet you look ! (fan business) 

Madame M. (c.) We were so eager to be with 
you. (aside) What a combination of colors! It's 
criminal ! (aloud) What a pretty dress ! 

Madame R. It doesn't begin to compare with 
yours! (aside) A dress with gold all over it! 
What poor taste ! 

Frederic, (who has been trying to coax Emme- 
line out) Mother, shall we go into the drawing- 
room? 

Madame R. Certainly. (Frederick rushes out 
eagerly with Emmeline — others follow slowly) 

Ratinois. More chicken tracks. They 

Malingear. (low) Yes. 

Madame R. (low to husband) Keep Monsieur 
Ratinois here and speak to him about the dowry! 

Ratinois. (low) Be tranquil. 

Madame R. (indicating door of drawing room) 
Madame! (they leave R. Thinking they are follow- 
ing Frederick and Emmeline) 

Ratinois. (l. aside) Now we are alone. It's not 
easy to get at this affair ! 

Malingear. (r. aside) How the deuce can I get 
started ! 

Ratinois. (c. approaching him) My dear Mai- 



72 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

ingear, it certainly is kind of you to have accepted our 
little dinner! 

Malingear. (c. They lean over the table) You 
put it so nicely! 

Eatinois. Oh, it's because I like you ! 

Malingear. Same here, that's why we came. 

Eatinois. {shaking his hand) Good Malingear! 

Malingear. {the same) Excellent Eatinois! 

{They pose. — Then E. leads M. l., and drops him 

L. C.) 

Eatinois. By the way, don't you think we settled 
that question of dowry rather suddenly? {they sit 
down at table at l.) 

{Turning suddenly and pointing his finger. He is 
near piano u. l.) 

Malingear. Yes — very suddenly, {he crosses 
quickly to table l.) You spoke of a hundred thou- 
sand francs, {he sits) 

Eatinois. That's just a figure which I mentioned 
— off-hand — but that needn't bind you. 

Malingear. I thought the same — a great refiner — 

Eatinois. {he sits) And you, a famous doctor — 
who receives 4,000 francs at a single crack. 

Malingear. Who ? Me ? 

Eatinois. I counted them ! — Wait, I am disposed 
to make a sacrifice — I will give the silverware! 

Malingear, {astonished) Ah! 

Eatinois. And } r ou? 

Malingear. Me ? I offer a set of dishes. 

Eatinois. {astonished) Ah! {crosses aside) I 
must make him toe the mark ! {aloud) Malingear, 
we must consider the increased cost of living ! (sits) 

Malingear. That's right. And a person who 
used to get along comfortably on 10,000 francs' in- 
come finds himself pretty hard pressed nowadays. 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 73 

Ratinois. Yes — and we don't want our children 
to be hard pressed for money, do we? 

Malingear. Certainly not! 

Ratinois. And can you see your daughter, your 
dear daughter, obliged to count up to see whether she 
can afford a decent dress or some cashmere thing? 

Malingear. And your son, your only son, reduced 
to taking any little one-horse case that should come 
along? 

Ratinois. Oh! don't speak of my son. A man 
can always manage to get along somehow. But she — 
your child ! — who is your joy, your darling — for you 
love your daughter very much, don't you? 

Malingear. Almost as much as you love Fred- 
erick. 

Ratinois. Yes — only don't let's speak of Fred- 
erick — Talk about Emmeline — She must lead a life of 
silk and gold ! 

Malingear. Ah ! Thanks for her ! 

Ratinois. From which I conclude that the dowry 
must be increased. 

Malingear. That's exactly what I think. 

Ratinois. Well, then fix it yourself. I accept the 
advance. 

Malingear. I think that a hundred and fifty 
thousand francs 

Ratinois. Ah! Malingear! That isn't enough! 

Malingear. Then let's make it 200,000. 

Ratinois. (rising) All right. I will give the 
silverware and you 200,000 — (walks up) 

Malingear. (rising) What! It's you who are 
to give them ! (comes down l.) 

Ratinois. Me? Certainly not! 

Malingear. Why me and not you? (advancing) 

Ratinois. Because a man in your position — who 
has a carriage, a box at the opera and a footman ! 

Malingear. But you have a carriage too, and a 



74 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

box at the opera — and a negro — who costs more. 
(advancing) 

Eatinois. Me! Me! It's not the same thing! 

Malingear. Certainly, you're not pretending to 
a luxury above your position ? 

Eatinois. Not at all! My position is superb — 
My position is magnificent, (advancing) 

Malingear. Well then in all justice we must each 
give the same amount — each 200,000 francs, (they 
turn — Malingear l. Eatinois r. — aside) I have 
22,000 francs' income— There are only 12,000 left. 

Eatinois. (aside) Himmel ! I have 17,000 
francs' income — that only leaves me seven ! It's im- 
possible, (turns abruptly at end of E. speech) 

Malingear. You hesitate? — For a miserable 
question of money? 

Eatinois. I don't hesitate. A hundred thousand 
francs more or less ? What difference does that make 
to me? I offer 300,000! That's how I hesitate! 
(advances) 

Malingear. (astonished) What! 300,000 
francs ? 

Eatinois. (aside) I'll raise him till he backs out 
and then I'll slip out too. (aloud) You back out? 

Malingear. Not at all! I was thinking. I 
propose 400,000. 

Eatinois. It's not enough. 500,000. 

Malingear. It's not enough. 600,000. 

Eatinois. It's not enough. 

Eobert. (enters with a Rubier plant) What! 
600.000 francs ! 

Eatinois. (aside) Uncle Eobert! I was just 
going to say a million! — I would have risked it! 
(aloud — introducing him) Monsieur Malingear, the 
— ah ! the future father-in-law. 

(Slow with mwvh business.) 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 75 

Robert. Yes — we have had some business to- 
gether. 

Ratinois. You what ? 

Robert, (c.) — just some little formalities. 

Malingear. We were speaking of the dowry. 

Robert, (setting down the Rubber plant c.) 
What! And you are going to give 600,000 francs? 
(bowing to him) Ah! Monsieur! Let me congratu- 
late you! 

Malingear. But, Monsieur Ratinois was going to 
give just as much ! 

Robert. What ! you ! 

Ratinois. (embarrassed) Naturally, (u. r.) 

Robert, (to Ratinois u. r.) My compliments! 
I didn't know you had that much altogether ! 

Ratinois. That much ! Of course I have that 
much ! But when one finds himself up against a 
millionaire who makes demands 

Malingear. Ah, pardon me, monsieur, I didn't 
demand — on the contrary, it was you who 

Ratinois. Me? I proposed the silverware and 
then you started off on 

Malingear. What! I started off? — I said I'd 
give a set of dishes and you replied coldly " Ah ! " 
yes "Ah." 

(They speak coldly and walk apart.) 

Ratinois. I replied Ah! Haven't I a right to? 
But not coldly. 

Malingear. Ah, pardon me, monsieur. 
Ratinois. (coldly) Pardon yourself. 
Robert. Haven't you stopped scrapping yet? 

(Warmly and get together.) 

Ratinois. Of course we've stopped — if you look 
at it that way — but I didn't reply coldly, (c. 
positively) 



76 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Malingear. (pugnaciously c.) I beg your pardon ! 
Ratinois. No, monsieur. 

(Robert raises hands helplessly and crosses up.) 

Malingear. What, monsieur ! 

Ratinois. Do you want me to tell you what I 
think you're trying to do? 

Malingear. You will do me the kindness. 

Ratinois. You're sneaking for a way to break 
this marriage! 

Malingear. What! sneaking! 

Ratinois. Sneaking ! I don't take it back ! But 
I who am an honest man 

Malingear. No more than I! 

Ratinois. It's possible, but as I am not trying to 
sneak out, I say in short 

Both, (they separate L. and R.) Let's break! 

Robert, (c.) Come! Don't get excited! 

Ratinois. Ba-a-ah ! I'm not excited, (aside with 
satisfaction) It's all right! He's backed out! 

Malingear. (aside with satisfaction) It's all off 
now! He's backed out! (sits) 

Robert. What ! broken off ? (sadly to Ratinois) 
It's fortunate that your son doesn't love Mile. Mal- 
ingear isn't it? 

Ratinois. Doesn't love her! — Doesn't love her! 
Well, rather! — He's crazy about her. But what's 
that got to do with it? 

Robert, (to Malingear) And that Mile. Em- 
meline was only indifferently taken with Frederick? 

Malingear. Indifferently ! (sarcastically) 
Well, yes, she does seem to like him a little, — but 

Robert, (supplying his words) But what's that 
got to do with it? Isn't that it? 

Malingear. Pardon me. I didn't say that 

Robert, (bursting forth) No, I won't pardon 
you ! You are both of you vain as peacocks, proud 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 77 

Malingear. Monsieur ! 
Eatinois. Uncle Robert ! 

Robert. Fve held myself in for a quarter of an 
hour and I can't do it any longer! — You've both of 
you been trying for the last two weeks to dazzle each 
other ! to deceive each other ! to lie to each other 

Both. What! 

Robert. Yes to lie to each other by promising 
dowries you couldn't begin to pay! Isn't it true? 
You've been parading around in feathers which aren't 
your own! 

Ratinois. But 

Robert. No "buts" to it! I've been talking 
with the servants. When I want to know anything, 
I ask the servants. That's my system. 

Ratinois. What could they tell you ? 

Robert. First, I met a negro in the kitchen — a 
negro hanging around the kitchen ! It's not proper ! 
And then your royal highness has rented a carriage 
by the month and taken a box at the opera ! Ratinois 
at the opera ! Piff ! 

Ratinois. But it seems to me that a theatre 

Robert. Which bores you! 

Ratinois. (indignantly) Well! — what's that got 
to do with it? 

Robert. I say it bores you! — and your wife too! 
— (indicating Malingear) and Monsieur too! 

Ratinois. Oh! Well! Yes! I guess it's true! 
(rises lamely and starts up) 

Malingear. I swear to you that Italian opera — 
(he is about to condemn it in the strongest terms) 

Robert. Then what do you rent boxes for? 

Malingear. It's my wife 

Ratinois. It's the women 

Robert, (c. Then u. r.) You do it to make a 
stir, to be high-toned! sporty! To-day that's the 
fashion ; you throw dust in each other's eyes, you " do 



78 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

the peacock" — you swell — like balloons, and when 
you are all puffed up with vanity — rather than admit 
it — rather than say : " We are two good simple 
families — of the common people," you prefer to 
sacrifice the future, the happiness of your children — 
they love each other — but you say — " What's that got 
to do with it ? " And these are fathers ! — Good-night ! 
(starts to leave) 

Ratinois. (holding him bach) Good uncle 
Robert, wait! (much moved) Uncle Robert, — You 
haven't wit, you haven't education, (hitting self over 
heart) but you've got this! 

Malingear. Oh ! Yes ! 

(Robert puts his hat down again.) 

Ratinois. (very much moved) You have moved 
me very much, — you have upset me. You have 
shown me I'm a father who ought to be kicked out of 
the window, (indicating Malingear) And you 
too! (change of tone) But it isn't my fault, — It's 
my wife's! She'll have to answer for it to me! 
(softening) And I swear to you if ever — if ever on 
any account you see me faltering on the way which — 
that — on the way — that — which — (suddenly) Any- 
how won't you dine with us? (u. R.) 

(Enter Madames, Ratinois and Malingear, Mlle. 
Emmeline and Frederick l.) 

Ratinois. Robert. Mme. Malingear. 

Malingear. Mme. Ratinois 

Emmeline. Frederick. 

Madame R. (facing Robert and Malingear, not 
seeing her husband u. R.) Well, gentlemen, are you 
going to leave us alone forever? (Emmeline and 
Frederick cross quickly to stairs) 

Ratinois. Ah, here's my wife. Woman! come 
here! 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 79 

Malingear. (severely to wife) Woman! come 
here ! 
(They advance a few steps each toward husbands.) 

Madame R. What! 

Madame M. What's the matter? 

Ratinois. (to wife) Wicked mother! All puffed 
up with vanity ! But it's the fashion now ! 

Malingear. (to his wife) You " do the peacock." 
(imitating Uncle Robert) 

Ratinois. You swell up like balloons! (Rat- 
inois takes position front r. and imitates Uncle 
Robert) 

Malingear. You don't care a straw for sacrific- 
ing the future, the happiness of your children ! 

Ratinois. For they do love each other — but you 
say — " What's that got to do with it ? " — And these 
are mothers ! — Good-night ! (puts on Robert's hat, 
which is too large) 

Madame M. What's got into you? (crosses to 
front L. extreme, taking her husband) 

Madame R. Explain to me — (catching Ratinois 
as he is about to reach door up) 

Ratinois. (with vehemence) Go to your knitting 
— for you knit my socks yourself (stalks across in 
front of wife and takes position front R.) 

Malingear (the same) And my wife, too, Mon- 
sieur! (leaves wife front l. and crosses c.) 

Madame R, What! You? Madame? (u. R.) 

Ratinois. Yes! Down with these pretenses! 
down with the masks ! I'm Ratinois, — former con- 
fectioner — not a refiner ! 

Malingear and Madame M. What? (Mal- 
ingear recoils from him, joining wife L.) 

Madame R. But, my dear — (advancing half way 
toward him) 

Ratinois. Leave me alone, (indicating wife) 
She used to be cashier of "the Sign of the Silver 



80 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Pestle." We give a hundred thousand francs' dowry 
to our son. (c) 

(Ratinois poses c. then drops back r.) 

Malingeak. In my turn! (c.) Malingear, a 
doctor without practice ! 

Madame R. What! 

Ratinois. But, the duchess ! 

Malingeak. I only had one patient this last year. 
— a coachman — free of charge ! We give a hundred 
thousand francs to our daughter! (drops back L.) 

Rorert. (c.) In my turn! Robert, wood 
merchant, come to Paris with 12 cents in my pocket. 
I give a hundred thousand francs' dowry to my 
nephew. 

Frederick, (advancing) Ah, Uncle Robert! 

Emmeline. Good Uncle Robert ! 

Ratinois. (striking himself over the heart) He 
has this! 

(Fredrick returns immediately to stairs. They 
have the following positions:) 

Caterer. 
Madame Ratinois Frederick 

Uncle Robert Emmeline 

Monsieur Ratinois 

M. & Mme. Malingear 

(Bell rings and immediately Caterer enters u. L.) 

Caterer. Dinner is served ! 

Robert, (starting out) Come! To Dinner! 

Ratinois. One moment! 

All. What! 

Ratinois. I have ordered a crazy dinner — I'm 
ashamed of it. Six courses of truffles ! 

All. (reproachingly) Oh, Ratinois! 

Malingear. And you the father of a family ! 

Ratinois. Maybe I could get Monsieur Chevet to 
take them back? 



THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 81 

All. Oh no ! Caterer turns away with a gesture 
of refusal) 
Robert. I'm opposed to that. 

(Josephine enters, carrying the pie Uncle Robert 
brought She crosses from the right to a po- 
sition down center and stands with the pie 
raised aloft.) 

Josephine. And here's the pie-eye! 

Ratinois. Then, let's eat it — It shall be our pun- 
ishment. Shall we dine? (Josephine puts pie on 
table c. and goes L.) 

(All start toward dining room and begin 
chattering at once. See cues below. Caterer 
comes forward along left side making eyes 
at Josephine. Josephine turns toiuard 
dining room. Caterer gets pie and follows. 
Two serving maids enter u. L. and stand one on 
each side of door. Malingear turns and slialces 
finger at Emmeline on stairs. Then calls his 
wife's attention to her daughter. Frederick 
and Emmeline come forward in an argument, 
Emmeline leading the way. They follovj after 
the Caterer and Josephine. Ratinois crosses 
to his wife, then returns down c. and bows deeply 
across stage to the Malingears. Malingear 
leaves his wife and crosses to Madame Ratinois. 
Ratinois crosses to Madame Malingear. 

(The chatter will be effected by using following 
lines, repeating them over and over.) 

Caterer, (to Josephine) Ahem ! 
Josephine. 0, yon men ! 
Malingear. (to wife) Our daughter! 
Madame Malingear. She's all right. 
Frederick, (to Emmeline) But, it was your 
footprint ! 



7 ~a s^i£ 



82 THE BLUFFERS ; OR DUST IN THE EYES 

Emmeline. No ! no ! 

Kaunois. (to wife) Be sure to do things right! 

Mme. Ratinois. You! 

Ratinois. (crossing c. and lowing) Madame! 
Monsieur ! 

Malingear. (crossing to Mme. Ratinois and 
laughing at M. Ratinois) He thought I would never 
consent ! 

Mme. Ratinois. Ha! ha! Naughty Doctor! 
(imitating mock letter from the Duchess) Ha! ha! 
ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Mme. Malingeab. (to Ratinois imitating his 
speech) The honor will honor our honorable family 
—Ha! ha! ha! 

|(All the guests chattering at once, repeat the above 
lines over and over and begin to go off. They do 
not start off immediately. When the first ones 
are near dining room door and the others are 
beginning to be paired off, drop quick curtain. 



CUKTAIK 



